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Movie Review: The Conjuring 2

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three_days_of_grey

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Characters:
Patrick Wilson as Ed Warren
Vera Farmiga as Lorraine Warren
A bunch of other assholes you'll never see or hear from again as Everyone Else.

Plot:
After doing a séance at the Lutz home in Amityville, Lorraine has a premonition of Ed dying so she makes him promise not to take any more paranormal cases. However, a "demon" that cross-dresses as a nun and hates America makes them travel all the way to England to stop its haunting of a family. In order to possess the youngest girl, it enslaves the spirit of a cantankerous old fuck that died in the house several years earlier. Ed and Lorraine must solve the case of the spirit and the demon before it claims the little girl.

Summary:
I went to see this movie because Ill be god damned if I have to endure another Kevin Hart buddy movie. I cant stand "based on true events" movies when they are clearly very loosely based on someone's anecdote but it was either this or that. Fuck. Ok, so this movie is rated R and I have no god damned idea why unless the MPAA designated the R for 'retarded'. It should have been PG-13 at best. It has the same basic scares as all movies in this genre. Jump scares. There was a scene in which a childs swing was moving back and forth which didn't make any sense since the spirit in the house was an old man. This isn't Coccoon, damnit. Get off that swing. This movie was hella long too at 2 hours 15 minutes. When you have a movie of this type run that long it can only mean one thing. A lot of talking and slow build-up. I don't understand why in every movie with demons they play games. Just fuck shit up and possess people already. Swallow their souls or something.. Jerk off and have flames shoot out your dick. Eat the family pet and puke it up in the fridge. Take them to Burning Man and drop acid together. But Jesus Christ don't just keep flicking the lights on and off or moving furniture around bc it's fucking lame. Lorraine kept having premonitions of the demon and in one scene it told Lorraine its name. Let me give you 2 guesses on how you can control a demon: If you picked your nose and said 'I don't know.' you were probably a writer on this film. So if the only way someone can have control over you is by saying your name, why in the fuck would you tell that person your name? Also, this movie borrows so heavily from a bunch of other movies in the genre that nothing is fresh. Cliché. Here's the scariest thing about this hot lump of feces:

Box Office

Budget: $40,000,000 (estimated)

Opening Weekend: $40,406,314 (USA) (10 June 2016)

Gross: $71,055,136 (USA) (17 June 2016)

That means that there will be a third one. Now that, my friends is pure terror.

Ratings: Don't be scared, homie. If you are, its because youre a lil bitch and it wont be long before your wife dumps you for a real man.
Alternate rating: 3 hot dogs.

On a side note I saw the trailer for the latest Purge movie. I saw the first one, skipped the second and wont be seeing the third one either. I think an actual Purge would more likely be just a bunch of Jared Fogle looking dorks watching kiddie porn for 24 hours.

For those who like my alternative ratings system:
Ratings system based upon Midgets and Hot Dogs.

Midgets

1 Midget - This movie was cool.

2 Midgets - A pleasantly surprising movie.

3 Midgets - Really cool movie. Had a story /made me laugh.

Circus Midgets - Totally entertaining. You should see it before it leaves town.

Midget Porn - A "Must See" before you die.

-AND-

Hot Dogs:

Hot Dog Water - This movie f'in stinks.

1 Hot Dog - Left a real bad taste in my mouth.

2 Hot Dogs - So bad it just might kill me.

3 Hot Dogs - So bad I just might kill myself.

Hot Dog Shake - If you enjoy it, you have no taste whatsoever, and you make me f'in sick.

OTHER:


Midget Eating a Hot Dog - Movie is entertaining if you can look past the hot dog.

Beans N Franks - Took what would have been a decent movie and f'd it all up.

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Post #1   6/20/16 11:52:14PM   

kopower

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Keep the reviews coming

Last edited 6/21/16 7:04PM server time by kopower
Edit note/reason: Na

_______________________________________
Billy Madison-

What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in the playground is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no props, and may the mods have mercy on your soul.

Post #2   6/21/16 7:03:40PM