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JunCTion

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politically correct

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading
America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Georgians and West
Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED
AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED
DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED
COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets
"CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY
ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY
REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is
"PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST
PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT! ! ! " - He has developed a
"LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes
"ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case
of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE
EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP
CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants -
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE


Last edited 5/10/07 1:04AM server time by JunCTion
Edit note/reason: n/a

Post #1   5/10/07 1:02:23AM   

JunCTion

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Pet rules

Dear Dogs and Cats:
> The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food
dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,
try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try
to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog
or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
> "To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
About Our Pets"
> 1. They live here. You don't.
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the
> furniture. That is why it is called fur-niture
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
> And Remember, Dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:
> 1. Eat less
> 2. Don't ask for money all the time
> 3. Are easier to train
> 4. Usually come when they are called
> 5. Never drive your car
> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
8. Don't wear your clothes
9. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college
10. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Post #2   5/10/07 1:03:52AM   

JunCTion

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Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see
the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he
saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to
avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real
passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not
approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her
tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older
than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's
pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She
owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood,
enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many
more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that
marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
and trading it with the other people in the commune for all
the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get
better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years
old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm
sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren. Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse
things in life than the report card that's in my desk
drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home!

Post #3   5/10/07 1:15:43AM   

Svartorm

Hammer of the Gods

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So, basically this is a thread where you post all the jokes you get via e-mail from your relatives, which you normally just delete without opening.

_______________________________________
All brave men with hearts of war, ride the path of mighty Thor.

DREAM 1 - 2nd in Pts
Cage Rage 23 - 6th in Pts
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Secondary League Season 6 - 30th in Pts
Secondary League Season 1 - 31st in Pts
Primary League Season 6 - 39th in Wagers
Secondary League Season 7 - 41st in Pts

Post #4   5/10/07 1:29:28AM   

JunCTion

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Posted by Svartorm

So, basically this is a thread where you post all the jokes you get via e-mail from your relatives, which you normally just delete without opening.



no one in my family likes me enough to email me. but i do have a friend that emails me a lot of jokes. they could come from the internet, a book, the newspaper or the kid next door, a loke has to start somewhere. dont hate.

Post #5   5/10/07 3:16:30AM   

pv3Hpv3p

Heavyweight Champ

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How do you get a fat chick into bed???















Peice of cake...

Post #6   5/10/07 11:22:18AM   

Stickan

the HAWT one!

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That was great. I sent it to my new girlfriend and she actually found it funny.
I love that bitch.

Post #7   5/10/07 12:42:11PM   

pv3Hpv3p

Heavyweight Champ

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I'll throw out a couple more... Thet're all sexist, but a joke ain't really funny if it doesn't piss someone off, right?

Why does a bride always wear white????
























Well, the dishwasher's got to match the oven and the fridge, right?

Post #8   5/10/07 1:33:06PM   

JunCTion

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how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?





















give her a shovel

Post #9   5/10/07 11:01:02PM   

teamquestnorth

Standup Guy

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why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?
















fa drizzle

Post #10   5/10/07 11:31:38PM   

JunCTion

READY TO SMILE AND LOVE LIFE!!

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why do dogs lick their balls?





















cuz they can

Post #11   5/11/07 12:18:47AM