Check out my fairy tale (feedback) - please no gay jokes. |
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Pookie
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No joke, i have a literature class at my college and our assignment is to write a Fairy Tale. I came up with the following, ive gotten mixed reactions from different people and would like some feedback if possible. Grammatically its not all the way finished and punctuated correctly but this is the story give or take. Thanks.
The Boy and the Angel
There was once a boy who had a dream. In the dream he met an angel. The angel told him “Come see me in the land above the sky.” When the boy awoke from his dream he was full of excitement and wonder. He quickly set off on a journey.
Yet as he journeyed, he did not know how to get to the land above the sky. Still, he walked the land, hoping to find a way to get there.
After many days of journeying he found the sea. On the beach was a giant turtle. The turtle was weeping.
“Why are you sad?” asked the boy.
“Because my children can never reach the sea. The birds keep eating them.” Full of contempt for the birds, the boy decided to help the turtle. He grabbed a stick and scared the birds away, allowing the baby turtles to make it safely to the water.
“Thank you for your kindness,” said the turtle. “If you should need help with anything, I will assist you.”
“I would like to get to the land above the sky,” said the boy.
“I know of a tall castle on an island,” replied the turtle, “Come, and I shall take you there.”
The boy got on the turtle’s back and once again the boy continued his journey.
Through many stiff currents and fierce waves the turtle and the boy struggled, but after days of travel, they reached the island with the castle.
On the island was a princess. She was very scared.
“Why are you scared?” asked the boy.
“That giant turtle, it scares me and the people of the castle. If you get rid of it I shall pay you dearly.”
The boy was given a spear and a net and with much effort he scared the hurt turtle away.
“Thank you for you good deed. If there is anything you need, anything at all, let me know.”
“I would like to go to the land above the sky,” said the boy.
The princess took the boy into the castle. The castle was enormous, with stairs that spiraled to the sky itself. But when the boy reached the top, he did not see any angel.
Instead he saw a dragon. The Dragon looked very angry.
“Why are you angry?” asked the boy.
“The people of the castle, they keep me chained up here, as if I’m some kind of symbol of their power! Free me, and I shall take you wherever you want to go.”
The boy released the dragon from its chains. When this happened, the people of the castle ran to the roof in horror.
“This cannot be!” cried the princess as the dragon flew high in the air and blew fire to the towers of the castle, causing it to collapse.
Quickly the boy got on the dragon’s back. “Take me to the land above the sky” Said the boy.
Higher and higher the boy flew, past clouds, past stars and planets. But still he saw no angel.
“Higher, we must go higher!” yelled the boy, but the dragon was growing very tired. Still though, the boy urged the dragon ever higher.
Finally they made it to the land above the sky. But the dragon had grown too weak and began to fall. Desperately the boy reached to anything he could to avoid falling.
The boy grabbed onto a cliff and watched as the dragon crashed back to the Earth. Then, he continued his journey.
All around him he could see only darkness. There was nothing, nothing at all. Even the ground itself was dark.
The boy grew anxious. He searched for days for the angel. But in the land above the sky there is no time, and the days that might have past could have been no time at all.
Finally the boy met a falling star. The star looked at the boy with curiosity, for he had never seen a human before.
“What are you doing here boy?” asked the star.
“I am looking for an angel, she told me to come here.” replied the boy.
The star smiled. “Silly boy, there are no angels here. Nothing lives in the land above the sky.”
Then the star fell forward and eventually the boy was alone again.
The boy wanted to go back home, but he had wandered so far he didn’t know which way was back. And as the light of the star faded in the distance, the boy thought again of the angel. Where is the heaven that the angels roam if it is not above the sky?
Was there ever an angel?
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Post #1 5/17/08 2:32:37AM
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89vision
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For me a fiction story can/should have no limits, if you dont express what your trying to write then it sounds phony and dry, but to get back to your tale, if there isnt any restrictions to what you have to write, thats usually the best written literature, yeah your tale sounds good, I'm not a religious person, but I can see that scheme making a good fairy like how most religous experiences happen in most peoples minds.
Not sure if what exactly your being graded mostly on, so I suggest maybe doing a grammar check and maybe improving words if necessary (just an example of grammar fluency) I wont grade it since Im no teacher
Last edited 5/17/08 3:09AM by 89vision
Edit note/reason: n/a
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Post #2 5/17/08 3:08:24AM
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Pookie
Heavyweight Champ
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Career record: 181-84
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personally i feel that some of the best stories are ones that are open for interpretation, and that was something i tried to do here.
One of the most frequent responses ive heard is that they think this story is tied to religion in some sense, which isnt exactly my intention... but as it is extremely metaphorical thats not exactly wrong either.
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Post #3 5/17/08 3:12:06AM
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chubbud22
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Damn bro thats some creative stuff. I thought it was awsome; more creative than I could ever be
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Post #4 5/17/08 3:18:27AM
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loller90278
MMA Sensei
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i read it while glancing at your avatar every couple lines, and i couldn't stop giggling.
it's a good fairy tale, a bit too traditional but good for a college class
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Post #5 5/17/08 3:59:12AM
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chubbud22
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Haters, I would like to see anyone on here write something like that.
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Post #6 5/17/08 4:03:36AM
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loller90278
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Posted by chubbud22
Haters, I would like to see anyone on here write something like that.
i am in no way of hating on it, i like the poem.
on a side note, if i were you, i'd get rid of these lines:
"Where is the heaven that the angels roam if it is not above the sky?
Was there ever an angel?"
those are the questions that the reader should ponder themselves
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Post #7 5/17/08 4:07:18AM
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chubbud22
In Full Mount
Career record: 181-122
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Posted by loller90278
Posted by chubbud22
Haters, I would like to see anyone on here write something like that.
i am in no way of hating on it, i like the poem.
on a side note, if i were you, i'd get rid of these lines:
"Where is the heaven that the angels roam if it is not above the sky?
Was there ever an angel?"
those are the questions that the reader should ponder themselves
But its getting those questions in the readers head so they can relate; I have thought about all of that stuff.
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Post #8 5/17/08 4:10:13AM
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89vision
In Full Mount
Career record: 39-20
Season: 12-6 (#5628)
Location: Pangea
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Posted by chubbud22
Haters, I would like to see anyone on here write something like that.
huh? didnt say anything hateful
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Post #9 5/17/08 5:31:09AM
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Buy the ticket, take the ride
Career record: 98-52
Season: 24-16 (#1804)
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You sir are a genius! I noticed this thread before and now I'm baby sitting so i whipped out the ol' laptop an reeled off your story.
My 5 year old neice loved it so I just thought I'd say it works on kids!
Still gay though!
Last edited 5/17/08 9:28AM by SmileR
Edit note/reason: n/a
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Post #10 5/17/08 9:28:02AM
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Pookie
Heavyweight Champ
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Career record: 181-84
Season: 30-10 (#171)
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thanks for all the feedback.
i was thinking about getting rid of the last line, but the other one
Where is the heaven that the angels roam if it is not above the sky?
i think is kind of important to keep.
lol smiler you told your niece it. Kind of dark for children lol
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Post #11 5/17/08 1:15:47PM
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The Juice Is Worth The Squeeze
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damn smilr beat me to calling it gay in some way shape or form, keep writing pookster, the more you write and the more feedback you get the better you'll be. But obviously you knew that
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I hope you found what you were looking for out there...
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Post #12 5/17/08 1:34:22PM
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Buy the ticket, take the ride
Career record: 98-52
Season: 24-16 (#1804)
Location: My big ass bed
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Posted by Pookie
lol smiler you told your niece it. Kind of dark for children lol
Haha what can i say?! I'm a bad uncle! She loved it anyway and it got her to shut up so i was happy! You should post them once a month when my sister comes to visit so I can keep my niece entrained and quiet! I'll prop you regular!
Last edited 5/17/08 10:12PM by SmileR
Edit note/reason: n/a
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"RIP Evan Tanner, a real life trail blazer."
*juanez13 and Wolfman for Top Poster/Playground Persona*
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Post #13 5/17/08 10:10:11PM
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Check out my Prediction Videos
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i have a couple of question:
one, is this intended to be like a children's fairy tale or a fictional tale like those of Greek mythology?
two, was in in the assignment to make a point...like you are obviously making a point dealing with religion, so was it in your task to critique something?
if the answer to question one is an epic tale like those of Greek mythology, then you can fix the sentence structure accordingly. but i got the vibe that this was targeted at children. if it is, then i would suggest leaving out the the part where you question if anything lives there. i'm not your professor, so i don't know what he likes, but if it was a children's story then i would suggest having a more definitive ending. if you want to stick with the fact that here was nothing there for him, then i would end, "So the boy continued to venture through the nothingness he had discovered. To this day he searches for the angel from his dream. And so the boy lives, happily never after." or something along those lines. if number two says to make a point about a topic, like religion, the disregard my alternative ending.
overall it was very creative and i liked the pattern the story took. hopefully you get a good grade
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Post #14 5/17/08 11:02:54PM
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Pookie
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thanks jjfreak, it is supposed to be centered around a central theme.
Its not religion though, in actuality it is about greed & ambition.
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Post #15 5/18/08 2:00:56AM
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