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My Poop Story

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gsquat

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Twas spring of last year and we were in the process of moving. Everything was in boxes and were no longer staying in our previous house. My workplace was just down the street, and with gas prices the way they were I rode my bike.

So it was just after six and I locked up the shop. As soon as I turned the key and the bolt slid, it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Shit bricks. I had to poop. I could've just opened the door back up and gone in the shop, but for whatever horrible reason I didn't. I hopped on my bike with a turd lodged firmly 'tween my buttcheeks and peddaled on home.

It was a rough ride. All the movement only made it angry. It needed to come out. So I pressed on as fast as I could til I reached my former house sweaty and in pain. I ditched the bike, ran through the front door and into the bathroom.

Now no sooner did I pull my pants down than did I realize the water was turned off. Thats right. Toilet "no el worko". There! A plastic bag next to me! My savior! I held the bag over the toilet, fired cannon #2, and wiped up (yes there was still TP). I twisted and tied the bag and went to place it in the trash... There was no trash. Waste management had taken what was theirs and left me to stand alone with my ass bomb.

Now I lived in the middle of town. There was no location that I could just discard this bag o' poo and still feel civil. Then I remembered. In the back yard my wife's father had trash piled in the back. Better yet I found two trash cans. My problem was solved. I discarded what I should've been rid of some time ago, and didn't give it another thought.

So later on its time to move and haul stuff. My father-in-law decides he wants to haul the trash in the back now. Oh geez. Sure enough, as we're back there loading things into the back of the truck he says,"Do you smell shit?" I erupt in laughter. For whatever crazy reason he doesn't ask why I'm laughing so hard. He just keeps saying, "It smells like shit back here! Do you smell it?" I continued to laugh unquestioned. Lucky for me he didn't check, nor did he move the trash bins that day... He did it later.

So we're moved into our new home and all is behind me (or so I thought). About two days into living there my wife comes up to me and says, "Do you know what my dad told me? He said that there were homeless people pooping in our back yard! He foud poop in one of the trash cans!" Once again I burst into laughter, and once again am not questioned. Its insane! Why won't they ask me why I'm laughing so hard?

I was too embarassed to explain myself at the moment, but as you can see I've shared this story with you and everyone who was involved in the atrocity. I hope you enjoyed my story because I sure did (once it was over that is).

Post #1   7/17/08 11:17:57AM   

fattysmo

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Haha has the wife never put two and two together?

Post #2   7/17/08 11:46:02AM   

emfleek

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I'd be proud, man. Never deny a man the right to brag about his fecal matter.

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"I'm like the superhero coming in with the anti-bullsh*t." - Nick Diaz

Post #3   7/17/08 11:50:36AM   

gsquat

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Posted by fattysmo

Haha has the wife never put two and two together?



Ha. I told her everything and it all dawned on her.

Post #4   7/17/08 11:52:49AM   

Aaronno9

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Haha, thats pretty funny.

I have a similar ish story from school. We where on a sports trip in paris for 5 days, and on the first night, after a 26 hour coach ride, one of my buddies was jacking off in the shower, got to into it, and snapped the pipe he was holding on the wall. He made his exuses to our coach and the hotel told us we couldnt use any water in the room till they fixed the pipe. So im sitting needing a poop thats been held in all day with nowhere to go. I couldnt go in our buddies room becouse all of the chicks where hanging out their and i didnt want to ruin my chances of getting some action on the trip.

Anyways, i eventually decided to just line the toilet with a plastic bag and let it rip. It was a pretty huge stinky shit aswel, being that it had been builing all day. So i just ran to the window and tossed the bag without tieing it, so the shit flew everywhere, we where on the 5th floor to so the splat was awesome. So anyways, about half an hour later where just chilling in the room, when we hear somebody shout "oh my god it stinks of shit out here". We all pilled up at the window, and some of the younger people where passing beer they'd smuggled between windows, and it really did stink of shit. It was incredible. Ive never laughed so much in all my life.

Best part was one of the coaches came to the window and saw all the youger people hanging out and assumed it was one of them, so they had to pick the shit up the next morning

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Post #5   7/17/08 12:56:13PM   

gsquat

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Posted by Aaronno9

Haha, thats pretty funny.

I have a similar ish story from school. We where on a sports trip in paris for 5 days, and on the first night, after a 26 hour coach ride, one of my buddies was jacking off in the shower, got to into it, and snapped the pipe he was holding on the wall. He made his exuses to our coach and the hotel told us we couldnt use any water in the room till they fixed the pipe. So im sitting needing a poop thats been held in all day with nowhere to go. I couldnt go in our buddies room becouse all of the chicks where hanging out their and i didnt want to ruin my chances of getting some action on the trip.

Anyways, i eventually decided to just line the toilet with a plastic bag and let it rip. It was a pretty huge stinky shit aswel, being that it had been builing all day. So i just ran to the window and tossed the bag without tieing it, so the shit flew everywhere, we where on the 5th floor to so the splat was awesome. So anyways, about half an hour later where just chilling in the room, when we hear somebody shout "oh my god it stinks of shit out here". We all pilled up at the window, and some of the younger people where passing beer they'd smuggled between windows, and it really did stink of shit. It was incredible. Ive never laughed so much in all my life.

Best part was one of the coaches came to the window and saw all the youger people hanging out and assumed it was one of them, so they had to pick the shit up the next morning



Dude, thats gross.

Post #6   7/17/08 2:02:07PM   

iwannabesedated

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A few weeks ago at work..After a night of drinking and greasy foods..It hit me the real bad kind when you start to sweat and with every movement you think your gonna bust it in your pants...So i had give in and hit up the mens room...Theres 2 different sides of the building that have restrooms..so naturally i hit up the one closest to me but to my surpirse when i opened the stull door I see this giant turd sunk at the bottom of the bowl like it was staring at me..At first im like this is nasty but then after i thought about it i was like man...That was pretty impressive i probably wouldve left it for the next guy to see to.. i didnt flush it i left it because i wanted some other man to go thru what i just did..I guess sometimes you gotta take pride in your shit...

Post #7   7/17/08 2:28:29PM   

billycarnage

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I have to admit I have never shit in a bag.
On a few occasions I have been in a situation where I lacked certain resources such as water, TP, working vent and or locks etc.
One time I was at my Aunts house in California and a lot of family was there at the time. On top of all that she had foster children and there were several babies. I’ve impressed myself numerous times with my ability to hold it but this time I had no such luck. I had to go instantly. Everyone was in the living room and the bathroom was not the 2nd nor the 3rd but the 1st door on the left. I hurried. I thought ‘I’ll be in and out. No one will notice’. I barely remembered the vent (useless vent). So I began. It was like a siphon. Once it started it just kept going and, oh, the smell was awful! A few courtesy flushes later I was ready to wipe.

To my dismay there was no toilette paper. I didn’t panic. I couldn’t get up and do the Penguin across the room to the cupboards, nor could I call for help, it smelled too bad despite the courtesy flush and I didn’t want to cause a seen. So I had to be creative. This is where being a fan of MacGyver came in handy. I found a coat hanger and attached it to the plunger handle (I’m Batman!). As I claw my way through towels and other nonsense I found nothing disposable not even regular paper. So, back to square one. I began to peel apart the hard, unforgiving cardboard TP roll and new I wouldn’t come close to finishing. Time ticks by. There’s a knock at the door “Just a Second” I respond. “Little Cody need to use the bathroom” says my cousin Sarah. “Okay, I’ll be right out.” I lied. Then I hear little Cody say “It’s stinky” I was discovered. If he could smell me then it was a matter of time before the entire living room would realize the smell and that I was the culprit.

I was desperate. I had to move quickly. At this point I had abandoned my make-shift arm and waddled to the cupboards. My legs were asleep. Suddenly my luck changed and I noticed a bag of diapers. ‘Of course’ why didn’t I think of that earlier? I clean up, tape it off and throw it away it would be that simple. So I began. It took 3 whole diapers before I successfully cleaned myself. And they were so soft and comfortable by the way. I quickly washed up and headed straight for the front door like I was a voiding the paparazzi and never looked back.

Diapers, not a bad plan B.

Post #8   7/17/08 2:31:08PM   

Jimbo

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Posted by emfleek

I'd be proud, man. Never deny a man the right to brag about his fecal matter.



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Last edited 7/17/08 10:13PM server time by jimbo
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Post #9   7/17/08 10:11:47PM   

Raykill

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Love it man, good stuff, I mean shit.

Yes, I am sick. Whats the problem????

Post #10   7/18/08 12:50:05AM