The Top 25 Truths About Chuck Norris

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juanez13
1/26/08 4:48:06PM
So while the bearded ass-kicker is busy selling loco for Mike Huckabee, enjoy the definitive Top 25 Truths About Chuck Norris…and his beard:the truth

25. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
24. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
23. Who was the ghost writer on “Smack My Bitch Up” performed by the band, Prodigy? Chuck Norris.
22. The Ultimate Fighting Championship doesn’t use its full name, which is “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
21. Chuck Norris once fathered a shark - because they kick ass.



20. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
19. Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder - at the same time.
18. Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
17. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet…until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
16. Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

15. Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
14. Chuck Norris successfully separated conjoined twins by roundhouse kicking them in the face.
13. On the SAT, if you put “Chuck Norris” for every answer you will score over 8000.
12. Chuck Norris let the dogs out.
11. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

10. As a child, Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself.
9. Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
8. Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
7. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”.

5. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
4. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the shit out of little kids.
3. Like a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break open Chuck Norris, you would find another Chuck Norris inside - only smaller and angrier.
2. Chuck Norris’ testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas.

And at the top of the list…

1. Chuck Norris invented peeing standing up - for men and women.

i tought the was extremely funny, if got any to add, feel free to post them up
bullettdodger
1/27/08 1:27:41AM
my personal fav is:

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits!
candynuts
1/27/08 1:57:46AM
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect four in 3 moves.
Rush
1/27/08 11:03:19AM
Chuck Norris has a third fist hidden in his beard.
The only person to beat Chuck Norris in a fight was Bruce Lee and that was just a movie.
Boo_Radley21
1/27/08 11:16:30AM
Chuck Norris is so fast he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes opened.
hippysmacker
1/27/08 11:17:10AM
My top 10 all time favorites are

" When the boogeyman goes to bed at night, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris"

" Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris"

" Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."

" Chuck Norris can speak braille."

"If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."


"Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died."

' Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas."

"Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants."

"Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris"

" Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims."
iwannabesedated
1/27/08 2:11:59PM
Since 1940,The year Chuck Norris was born deaths related to roundhouse kicks have went up 13 thousand percent.

Chuck Norris is sueing NBC Because Law & Order is the name of his right and left leg.
Pitbull09
1/28/08 12:40:27AM
No one seems to know that Chuck Norris' tears can cure aids. Too bad he never cries.
TimW001
1/28/08 12:45:44AM
Yea...
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Daddyprimetime
1/28/08 1:35:00AM
Here are a few I find funny.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse

On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.


Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ******* Indian.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
TNunley
1/28/08 10:30:46AM
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

The law prohibits Chuck Norris from wearing a trench coat, because he is carrying concealed weapons (of course, no one has survived telling him this).
cowcatcher
1/28/08 10:41:50AM
chuck norris can kill two stones with one bird
Playground_Samurai
1/28/08 10:51:07AM
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris decided to punch his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, but deflecting them, JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.


Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.


Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.


Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Manfred
1/28/08 12:18:48PM
Chuck Norris was going to be Fedor's next opponent, but it was canceled since nobody wanted to see Chuck Norris to fight another can

Pookie
1/28/08 2:20:11PM

Posted by Manfred

Chuck was going to be Fedor's next opponent, but it was canceled since nobody wanted to see Chuck to fight another can



lol
emfleek
1/28/08 2:37:10PM
Chuck Norris doesn't Tea Bag. Chuck Norris Potato Sacks.
Ultimate_fighter
1/28/08 2:57:38PM
I like his beard wayyy to much!
TimW001
1/28/08 4:40:06PM

Posted by Manfred

Chuck Norris was going to be Fedor's next opponent, but it was canceled since nobody wanted to see Chuck Norris to fight another can




Aha good one!
LayinFrame
1/28/08 5:24:19PM
Have you heard the latest? Chuck norris is fileing a lawsuit against A&E for the copyrights on his left and right leg, Law and Order.
Manfred
1/28/08 5:37:23PM

Posted by LayinFrame

Have you heard the latest? Chuck norris is fileing a lawsuit against A&E for the copyrights on his left and right leg, Law and Order.




Posted by 40ouncetofreedom

Chuck Norris is sueing NBC Because Law & Order is the name of his right and left leg.



He beat you to it.

If at first you don't succeed, you're no Chuck Norris

Ok, that was lame, but I'm trying to come up with some new ones
LayinFrame
1/28/08 5:55:17PM
hahaha, bastards!
iwannabesedated
1/28/08 6:34:47PM
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.


While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris can divide by Zero.

NineDuce
1/28/08 8:07:37PM
so sick of everybody thinking chuck norris is so bad, the guy would get hammered by almost any MMA fighter with B level striking and B level ground game, heres a top 25 of chuck 1-25 hes overrated and the only reason ppl think hes so great is cus he trained with bruce lee....fedor > chuck norris
iwannabesedated
1/28/08 8:11:28PM

Posted by NineDuce

so sick of everybody thinking chuck norris is so bad, the guy would get hammered by almost any MMA fighter with B level striking and B level ground game, heres a top 25 of chuck 1-25 hes overrated and the only reason ppl think hes so great is cus he trained with bruce lee....fedor > chuck norris



There just jokes man.

NineDuce
1/28/08 8:52:52PM

Posted by 40ouncetofreedom


Posted by NineDuce

so sick of everybody thinking chuck norris is so bad, the guy would get hammered by almost any MMA fighter with B level striking and B level ground game, heres a top 25 of chuck 1-25 hes overrated and the only reason ppl think hes so great is cus he trained with bruce lee....fedor > chuck norris



There just jokes man.




just sick of hearing it everywhere, some people take it seriously its sickening
Boo_Radley21
1/28/08 9:12:06PM
Yea but could any B level MMA fighter kick a cow and make butter come out?
Lord_Lenny
1/28/08 9:37:04PM
some people can piss their name in snow. Chuck Norris can do it in cement. And in a variety of fonts
Rush
1/28/08 11:29:36PM
What is the sound of one hand clapping? Only Chuck Norris knows the answer.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on

if you mix up the letters in Vin Diesel's name you get "i end lives." if you mix up the letters in Chuck Norris's name he'll kill you

chuck norris can squeeze orange juice out of a banana

Chuck Norris once went to the virgin islands...now it is just called the islands

Chuck Norris never carries around a gun. He just throws the bullets at people.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck No

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"






iwannabesedated
1/29/08 12:24:02AM
Chuck Norris doesn't get Aids...He Gives them.
gsquat
1/29/08 10:10:31AM
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks
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