A Street Fight Through The Eyes of a Spectator

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9/11/09 9:19:46PM
The guy who wrote this and saw the fight works at he MMA magazine Fighters Only.

It's a long read, but so, so, worth it:

"i was at a club in manchester (uk) last weekend and saw two fights take place in the space of 30 mins.

there's an alley to the side of this club (The Attic) where people go to smoke coz its illegal to smoke inside clubs and pubs over here.

First off, there was a group of students (frat boys) being uber-loud and all macho-pushy with each other. Some offhand comment obviously spiralled into a dick-measuring ego contest and the next thing these two out of shape bozos are pushing each other in the chest.

Taking a professional interest in this kind of carry-on, i sat on the wall with my drink. (I am always curious to watch untrained people fight because I think when you train regularly, you are surrounded by people that know what they are doing and therefore you forget that people do such things as, say, push you two-handed in the chest before letting their arms swing back down by the sides while they jut their chin forward in what they imagine is an intimidating manner.)

So Big Fat and Short Fat are pushign each other, and the rest of their frathouse bedmates are egging them on. Big Fat gives Little Fat an almighty shove and Little Fat falls on his ass. Everyone laughs. Ruh roh. This is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

Little Fat gets up and tells Big Fat he's going to "**** him up." He commences doing so by jogging forwards and throwing some sort of weird flick-kick from the knee in an upwards direction, making sure not to put any bodyweight or torso rotation into this for fear of falling over. Showing his mastery of balance, he also makes sure to keep his standing foot planted firmly to the floor, maintaining maximum base and eliminating any of that pesky foot rotation.

This kick misses by miles as Big Fat has sprinted backwards at the speed of light. Little Fat having concluded his one-strike offensive, it is his turn to run backwards as Big Fat counters with exactly the same **** kick as Little Fat just threw at him. Paying close attention to the textbook style, he keeps his hands by his waist, leans backwards as far as he can for leverage and to keep his chin back, and lets his leg flick straight up as high as he can.

He misses. Little Fat returns fire. This Laurel and Hardy type exchange goes on for about seven or eight kicks a piece. All these kicks are delivered in an upwards vertical direction, as if attempting to punt a football. Neither man lands a kick and thus far the only danger they have presented is to low-flying pigeons.

Jeers from the crowd in the cheap seats. The two champions hear this and decide to get busy with their hands. A boxing clinic ensues.

'Prince' Naseem Hamed was a famously elusive boxer, very hard to hit. His movement came from his coach Brendan Ingle, who is a controversial figure as he teaches his fighters (Herrol graham, Johnny Nelson etc) to keep their hands low in order to improve their ability to move their heads and torsos.

The two Fatties are obviously students of the Ingle style, although it seems to me a little rough around the edges. True, they have got the hands-by-the-waist thing down to a tee, but the winging overhand slaps and arm punches seem a little untutored to me. Both favour the lead right hand from a square stance, and when running backwards is not enough to evade a technique, they like to reach out about two feet to intercept the incoming shot at the earliest possible opportunity.

Big Fat lands a tremendous overhand slap on Little Fat's forehead. Crowd shows its appreciation for this display of martial prowess by 'ooohing' in a fashion that suggests they are genuinely impressed.

Little Fat is not having this. He decides to initiate the clinching phase. Rushing forward with his arms outstretched, like a turbo zombie, he grips his opponent's shirt. His opponent responds by taking replica grips on him.

Anticipating a masterful display of Gokyo no Waza, I lean forward excitedly. Perhaps Little Fat will execute a perfect Osoto Gari? Maybe Big Fat is setting himself for Tai Otoshi or Uchi Mata?

In the event, no. They are just gripping each other's tits through their oxford cotton shirts. They stagger about chest-to-chest like a drunken prom couple. Clumsy headbutts are thrown. How it is possible to miss a headbutt at this range I cannot fathom, but both sides manage.

Suddenly Big Fat drops his level. Perhaps he is going for the double-leg or a high-single?....No, he is going for the belly-lock. He is attempting to kill Little Fat by using the little-known technique of crushing his insides so all his flab is forced up into his throat and drowns him.

Liuttle Fat uses his chi to block this effort and they return to staggering. Big Fat suddenly stumbles and drags Little Fat over with him, a graceless crash towards the cobbled street. By some miracle, Big Fat manages to arrest his descent and maintain a standing position while Little Fat hits the floor. TAKEDOWNNNNNNN!!

Big Fat chooses this moment to throw his arms wide out at his sides and turn to the crowd, nodding vigorously as he invites their approbation for the consumate display of skill he has just laid on for them. Rather than getting back to his feet, Little Fat sits on his ass with one hand outstretched in supplication and shuffles backwards, like a movie badguy who knows he is seconds away from being finished off by our hero.

"Do you want any more," bellows the newly resurgent Big Fat.

"No thats enough, you win," blubbers Little Fat.

Big Fat roars in triumph and raises his arms to the sky in honour of Mars and Thor, those age-old gods of war that are surely looking down and recognising one of their own. The traditional post-fight speech follows. In the absence of Joe Rogan, this is delivered solo to the empty night air.

"THATS WHAT YOU GET WHEN **** WITH A UFC FIGHTER," the fat man roars, hammerfisting himself in the chest. Short and to the point, but the message is clear. This man is Not To Be ****** With and the bystanders feel lucky to have escaped with their lives.

I begin clapping sarcastically. My sentiments are mistaken and Big Fat wanders over to give me the opportunity of meeting him and shaking his hand. I grasp his chubby palm and congratulate him on his performance.

"This UFC thing," I ask, "Is that where those nutters fight in a cage with no rules?"

He tells me it is. He "trains UFC every day" and is a British cagefighting champion. I say nothing, and there is a moment of silence. I dwell momentarily on the irony that of all the people in Manchester (pop. 3 million), he has chosen me to talk to about his UFC career.

Should I burst his bubble? I dont. I cant be arsed, and I am embarrassed for him. I hate those kind of cringeworthy situations. Instead I raise my glass to him. "Well, good luck with that."

"Thanks man" he nods, enthusiastically. And with that, the conquering lion wanders off into the night."
9/11/09 9:31:10PM
i love their names, sounds like a typical night anywhere where there are too many drunks and too much testosterone flowing. good read
9/11/09 10:53:05PM
big fat and little fat
9/11/09 11:21:19PM
This is something that happens most weekends in Britain, "Fats" are the best to watch because it's far funnier but the most common is skinny drunks who have no muscle mass and think they're really hard but in truth they are just so skinny they look ripped. These "fights" are far worse because you can't help but watch in anticipation for a fight but they will shove each other like the "Fats" but that is as far as it goes.
9/12/09 1:17:02AM
That put a nice smile on my face. Well done

I train UFC everyday
9/12/09 1:42:17AM
thank you for that

funniest thing ive read in awhile!
9/12/09 9:52:45AM
You should have gotten his UFC training facility. If I ever go to England again, I need a place to brush up on my UFC.

Good story. Very reminiscent to the shadow boxers that I see in bars with their wrists bent so far down, they would break their own wrists if they actually connected with some power.
9/14/09 2:43:15PM

Posted by Rush

You should have gotten his UFC training facility. If I ever go to England again, I need a place to brush up on my UFC.

Good story. Very reminiscent to the shadow boxers that I see in bars with their wrists bent so far down, they would break their own wrists if they actually connected with some power.

I spent a week working with a street tough from Portland, Maine that wouldn't, for the life of him, stop curling his wrists like that. He actually insisted there was something wrong with my focus mitts because he kept hurting his wrists when he punched.
9/14/09 8:47:59PM
while in a similar situation to the author, i heard this gem.

"i just got signed to fight in tapout"

cigarette in hand.
9/14/09 9:54:01PM
9/16/09 11:43:53AM
Was he tucking his thumb under his fingers while making a fist, too?

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