Another relationship question

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Pskinner_mma314
6/4/12 4:06:26PM
Ok guys forgive but i need multiple opinions, cuz I haven't gotten a whole lot of input from any of my friends. This is what I posted in the 'Relationship question' thread from the other day and I would really like some advice. I feel like I sound like a babbling bitch but here goes........

This is my post from the other day:

"give you the shortest version of what just happened in my last relationship.

we were together for 3 years, first really serious relationship of my life. she went away for school, only about 3 hours away but when you're 20-23, in school and working a full-time job, time together was hard to come by. eventually we started fighting alot.....and essentially, I wound up cheating on her with an ex of mine. huge mistake and my own guilty conciense got the best of me so I admitted what I did. took me admitting it for her to admit to me that she had previously cheated on me twice with 2 different guys. I got mad but I let it go based on what I had done.

time went on for awhile and the trust issue was just too much so we broke up. found out from a mutual friend of my best friend of 9 years that they had hooked up once. i confronted both her and my best friend and they both said it never happened. so about a year goes by of us doing our own thing and we decide to try to work things out. then I start seeing pictures of her kissing some guy on the cheek on her facebook, questioned her, she argued for hours that they were just friends and I told her to stop posting shit like that or she would continue to get that kind of reaction from me. few weeks later I see him post on her wall about the 3-4 hour conversations they are having every night , so I questioned her again. this time she responded with "you know what? you were right about me and your best friend." totally crushed me. finally fished for answers and she said that it was after we broke up and they were both drunk, not an excuse, but a little easier to deal with. so 4 months go by and we start talking again, and I asked if there was anything else she had withheld from me and she said no. 30 minutes later she texts me and says she one thing to tell me and that it was when we were together when they hooked up."

I guess I just wanna understand why she did this to me so I can let some pain go....I don't want to believe she is a whore, but I'm beginning to think that its my only option.
DeadHead988
6/4/12 4:12:39PM
Sorry, bro. I hate to be so blunt about it but you really need to cut her out of your life at this point. It'll be better for both of you in the long run.
jjeans
6/4/12 4:20:52PM
- That's me patting you on the shoulder

I'm really sorry to hear about this mate.

You're best mate sounded like he acted very selfishly basically I'm crushed to hear this news... I'd hate to know how you feel and I don't think anyone should be treated the way you have been. I hope your alright, I think you should just forget about her, she doesn't sound like she's worth your time at all, she acted like a twat. If you can just move on.

Sorry
frizzzlecake
6/4/12 4:25:28PM
Honestly bro, "Bitches bein' Bitches."


Sucks that your Best friend is a scumbag, I wouldn't give either of them the time of day.
grappler0000
6/4/12 4:26:36PM
There's really no point in trying to understand her reasoning behind it. She did it for her own selfish reasons. Don't beat yourself up over, just learn from it and move on. If thinking she is a whore helps you move past it, then do so. Sometimes people aren't exactly who we think they are. The good news is that are 7 billion other people in the world...and roughly half of them are female.

edit: Oh, and the friend is worse than the gf. Get rid of his ass. Surround yourself with good/positive people and you'll find things in life tend to fall in place a little easier.
postman
6/4/12 4:28:14PM
IMO more then the cheating she is a liar. Got to cut that rope.
DancingDoll
6/4/12 5:31:43PM
I can't really say what her motives are. It might be that she's just not ready for a committed relationship but likes some aspects of being in a relationship so she's trying to have both at the same time. Some people just can't deal with the idea of being single/alone and always need to be in some kind of relationship. If she's the type to jump from guy-to-guy with no down time in between, then that could be it.

Bottom line is that you can't trust her and she's proven that on multiple occasions.

Once you have this kind of baggage in a relationship, there's very little hope for turning things around by trying another round of commitment with her. You'll always be suspicious and always wondering if she's up to something shady. Plus her FB thing just makes it sound like she's not that serious anyway. If she's talking to the other guy for that many hours every night, something is 'off'.

I'd also be pissed off with the buddy that she hooked up with. That's pretty low for a close friend to do.

Time to cut your losses and move on...
KungFuMaster
6/4/12 6:00:01PM
I think she was ready to break it off long ago. It seems to me she is adamant about the separation while you were still HOPING and clinging on to what you had.

I don't have the complete details and specifics of the situation but it seems to me she purposely revealed those things to you - to help and encourage you to move on. I hate to even say this to you but she was never with you from the start.

As others have said, your so called best friend is not a friend. I would let go of him as well.

I happened to like an ex of one of my friends' but I never made the move. I had even asked my friend for his blessing and he said what any normal friend would say - "Go ahead, KFM. If you like her - just go for it. It's not going to bother me."

I read people very well and I was able to detect the anguish he was hiding inside. I said to him, "OK," and that was the end of our conversation and I never made any advances toward his ex.
hotrodttt
6/4/12 6:23:12PM
You can find something better than that man, that's f'd up. It'll come around, just do you and a good girl will find you.
kopower
6/4/12 6:24:08PM

Posted by DancingDoll

I can't really say what her motives are. It might be that she's just not ready for a committed relationship but likes some aspects of being in a relationship so she's trying to have both at the same time. Some people just can't deal with the idea of being single/alone and always need to be in some kind of relationship. If she's the type to jump from guy-to-guy with no down time in between, then that could be it.

Bottom line is that you can't trust her and she's proven that on multiple occasions.

Once you have this kind of baggage in a relationship, there's very little hope for turning things around by trying another round of commitment with her. You'll always be suspicious and always wondering if she's up to something shady. Plus her FB thing just makes it sound like she's not that serious anyway. If she's talking to the other guy for that many hours every night, something is 'off'.

I'd also be pissed off with the buddy that she hooked up with. That's pretty low for a close friend to do.

Time to cut your losses and move on...



This X100. I don't see how you'll be able to put all this stuff behind you, and move the relationship forward. There are tons of good women out there that want to be in a committed relationship. By the sound of it, she isn't one of them yet.
Bubbles
6/4/12 6:24:35PM
I have to parrot what everyone else has said, cuz it's how I feel about it too. Get rid of that chick, she isn't worth your time and there is no need to have your stress levels increase in the slightest because of that bitch. You will be way better off without her in your life.

as for your friend, it's a tough call. 9 years of best friendship is something that is hard to throw away. Had he only been there for like 2 years then it's not that hard to dispose of him (happened to me but under different circumstances). If you dont think you can trust him or will never be able to look him in the eye again, its best if you part ways...but be civil about it so there won't that bad of awkward situations where you two happen to be at the same social gathering. If you still want to keep this friendship, you need to confront him and let him know how you feel and reem him out for being a dick. If his replies and demeanor don't show sincerity, or you think he will do it again, then it is time to end it.

personally I think she kept changing her story just to piss you off more. I have no idea which would be the truth, but again confront him and make sure you get a straight answer.
Budgellism
6/4/12 6:53:34PM

Posted by kopower


Posted by DancingDoll

I can't really say what her motives are. It might be that she's just not ready for a committed relationship but likes some aspects of being in a relationship so she's trying to have both at the same time. Some people just can't deal with the idea of being single/alone and always need to be in some kind of relationship. If she's the type to jump from guy-to-guy with no down time in between, then that could be it.

Bottom line is that you can't trust her and she's proven that on multiple occasions.

Once you have this kind of baggage in a relationship, there's very little hope for turning things around by trying another round of commitment with her. You'll always be suspicious and always wondering if she's up to something shady. Plus her FB thing just makes it sound like she's not that serious anyway. If she's talking to the other guy for that many hours every night, something is 'off'.

I'd also be pissed off with the buddy that she hooked up with. That's pretty low for a close friend to do.

Time to cut your losses and move on...



This X100. I don't see how you'll be able to put all this stuff behind you, and move the relationship forward. There are tons of good women out there that want to be in a committed relationship. By the sound of it, she isn't one of them yet.



Agreed with everything said above in both posts. This is not the girl you want to end up with my friend. It sucks but in the long run finally ending things with her once and for all will only be beneficial imo. Keep your head up and don't let this ruin your life.
prophecy033
6/4/12 6:55:54PM
Like I said on the other thread, give her a foot, she'll take a mile. She seems to have taken about 2,000 of them. Cut her loose bro, she is what you don't wanna call her
Aether
6/4/12 7:10:54PM
The only thing I would add here is that people treat other people badly because of their own issues, not because there's something wrong with you. It's a result of her own personality traits. Could be anything from being afraid of commitment to having been abused, but the point is that it's not something that you can control or prevent, so you should try not to beat yourself up over it.
prozacnation1978
6/4/12 11:23:06PM
I am a ladies man somewhat don't know why

I would say this. And take my word for it.
Either two things

Break up and leave it like that.

Or start fresh lose the best friend and never bring the conversation up again.

Cheating sucks. Hell I have done it. It happens.
Sex is sex. Half the girls i down right loathe

But you need to talk to her in private. Take her to dinner then have a walk somewhere. And chat slowly don't lose your Shit in front of her or curse. Ask her how she feels how u feel and where to go from there. But yeah lose the best friend.

One reason girfriends never meet my guy friends unless they are gay
pmoney
6/5/12 12:42:37PM
It seems like everyone here is on the same page. And from pmoney to pskinner, I gotta say I agree with them. I've had some women do some bad things to me in the days before I met my wife. And even though you did cheat on your girl, she cheated on you too, but you were big enough to admit it. That shows maturity, remorse, and IMO a willingness to try and make things work. As for her, who knows how long she would have kept the lie going and kept hurting you.

I've also had a former friend burn me. This person was considered a best friend, then he stole my identity while being arrested (I have no record, he was a felon trying to avoid added jail time). I went to the DMV to renew my license one year, and they told me it had been suspended due to a DUI. I had a failure to appear, failure to pay, and warrants out on a dozen different charges in two different counties. It took me over a year to get the charges dropped and get all state agencies to clear my name and reinstate my DL. I cut this dude out of my life real quick. I had known him for 16 years to that point. If the same guy would have "just" fucked my girl, id still cut him out of my life. As hard as it is to come to terms with, I don't feel anyone who would do that is a real friend, nor have they ever been.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, P. My suggestion is just keep doing your thing. Maybe go into isolation for a while, as Pats are known to do. Take a day off work maybe, just get your mind right. Watch some MMA, watch some comedy, go on a hike, just do what YOU want to do. Do what makes you happy. Just assess what you want in this point in life, and go work towards getting it! I know it can be hard to keep up the day to day functions after something like that happening. Thats why i say take some time for you, but then come back with a vengeance! Keep a routine, stay productive. Hit the treadmill, hit the weights, get that self esteem going. Eventually, you wont think about the girl or your friend anymore, except when you are looking back and laughing.

And not to get cliche on you, but the best revenge really is living well.
Pskinner_mma314
6/5/12 2:07:59PM
1st of all I want to thank everyone here for being so damn supportive. Haven't felt that good in awhile.

I've talked to both of them since. With her, I started asking questions (knowing that if I went down that road I wouldn't like what I found.) I asked her how and when it happened: She was at a bar, ran into him, left with her friend to go drink at her house, she invited him over, after the night she needed a ride home, he gave it to her and once they got to her house "it just kinda happened" (<---bullshit). When I asked why, she simply said "I just wanted to." still crushed. I could kinda understand if we were fighting all the time, unhappy, etc. but this happened when we were good.

As for him I had to actually go to a bar I know he goes to all the time just trying to run into him by chance. Once I found out and he knew I knew it was fact(remember I confronted him about it once before and he lied), he responded to 0 texts and answered 0 calls. So I get in the bar and see he is there and I take a seat at the bar.......waiting.......waiting. 30 minutes go by and all our mutual friends come and say hi......he does nothing. So finally I have to go up to him, I say "whats up, you can't say hi?" So he pulls me aside. Right know I wanna break his jaw and watch him choke on his teeth, but at the time, maybe this is wierd of me, but I just wanted him to admit it, and as said before, I wanna know why. He said "I shouldn't have done it, I knew it was wrong and I felt ashamed of myself." When I asked why he didn't ever tell me "Because the circumstances that you heard it happened under weren't true, so I didn't say anything." I lost 2 people outta this.

Remember this was somethin that happened a while back, just somethin I'm still feelin alotta pain over. There was a girl that I'd been talkin to shortly after I broke it off with my ex (because I couldn't handle her not trusting me so much), and one night me and 2 other friends, her, and my supposed best friend went to a bar......long story short she told me he was hitting on her every time I wasn't lookin, trying to get her to change her mind about goin home with me and to just go home with him.

How do I deal with this kinda pain and let it go to actually trust someone else? I feel like I'm gonna end up takin this out on the next girl that comes along and she won't deserve that.

P.S. please keep this thread going
Kpro
6/5/12 2:38:33PM
One of my favorite dating lines is from Anthony Jeselnik's stand-up routine:

"Whenever I'm about to sleep with a girl I automatically assume she has herpes...... That way I don't have to tell her about my herpes."

Joking aside, it's easier said than done for some much more than others but you should never compare a current fling/girlfriend to an ex-fling/girlfriend for not just the reasons that no one might measure up, but in your case, not all chicks are untrustworthy.

I go into every relationship/fling as a blind infant with a blank cognitive disposition on relationship aspects including trust, positive or negative, and it's the best way to go. Don't compare or wonder and have a relationship play out in your head, just live in the moment with each chick and let it play out in life even if it seems hard. Just my two cents

EDIT: Just read through the thread and for the chick what I said applies but for your friend........ that's not a real friend man. A real friend doesn't have to be willing to take a bullet for you, but they respect you, and that dude was over the line further than Smokey.
prophecy033
6/5/12 2:41:22PM
Like Kpro said, ever girl is different. Not all are sluts and not all are saints. You just have to trust them until they give you a reason not to
DancingDoll
6/5/12 2:59:36PM

Posted by Pskinner_mma314

1st of all I want to thank everyone here for being so damn supportive. Haven't felt that good in awhile.

I've talked to both of them since. With her, I started asking questions (knowing that if I went down that road I wouldn't like what I found.) I asked her how and when it happened: She was at a bar, ran into him, left with her friend to go drink at her house, she invited him over, after the night she needed a ride home, he gave it to her and once they got to her house "it just kinda happened" (<---bullshit). When I asked why, she simply said "I just wanted to." still crushed. I could kinda understand if we were fighting all the time, unhappy, etc. but this happened when we were good.



I know *some* people will be shocked by this, but I've been alone with a boyfriend's friend while we were both drunk/high, I had a vague crush on him for a while and he came onto me, and I absolutely shut him down before he ever even touched me.

I hate when people make the drinking/drug excuses. I just think that if you're unable to control yourself, then moderate what you take or don't put yourself into a situation where you know you're going to screw up.

In this case, it sounds like she wanted it to happen and set things up to go that way.

The buddy still should have said 'no' but I've seen this kind of thing happen all the time. Sometimes I feel like guys come onto their friend's girlfriends because they're 'testing them' in a way - to see what kind of girl they are, and if they give in, then they probably figure they're doing their friend a favour anyway by revealing her for the shady character she really is.

Other people are of the mindset that it doesn't *really* matter until they are with "the one" (ie. the future husband/wife), and all the cheating they may do leading up to that ultimate relationship is irrelevant because it doesn't count. This isn't my theory - but I've heard people use it.

As for getting over the pain - summer is a great time to be single - get some buddies (not the one that betrayed you) and go on a mini-vacay (vegas, south beach, mexico - wherever...) and have fun, flirt with girls, hook up, don't look for anything serious and then figure things out a few months from now in the fall. Enjoy the summer - clear the cobwebs and destress.... and definitely DO NOT think about getting into another relationship or anything serious anytime soon. People need breaks in between these things, otherwise you're just taking baggage with you from relationship-to-relationship.


Svartorm
6/5/12 3:00:15PM
The girl is trash, but you already knew that. You don't need to talk with her because she's already lied to you plenty, so there's no point in ripping open old wounds for more half-truthes. She cheated and lied multiple times, and that's that. That obviously doesn't excuse you from what you did, so understand you're not clean in this either.

As for the friend, he's even worse than the girl. In no way did that series of events just accidently happen and alcohol excuses positively nothing from his behavior. Alcohol simply lets you become who you really are for most people, and he showed his true colors. If he was actually sorry and looking for forgiveness, he would have told you right away. Not a good friend, and it unfortunely took you 9 years to figure that out. Sometimes we waste many years on people we shouldn't, but that's part of life.
pmoney
6/5/12 3:18:18PM

Posted by prophecy033

Like Kpro said, ever girl is different. Not all are sluts and not all are saints. You just have to trust them until they give you a reason not to



I'm going to echo some more. All girls are indeed different. I know it was very hard for me to realize, and that's something I am working on to this day. There are women out there you can trust. You just have to remember that going forward.

If you are in another relationship currently, or down the road, and you find yourself having trouble trusting the person you are with, talk to them about it. Try not to say "I don't trust you", just let them know you have had certain experiences in the past with friends and girlfriends. Ask her if she has ever been through anything similar, either cheating or having been cheated on. If she's a good chick, even if she hasn't been through it, she should be willing to work through it with you. And if your chick is supportive after all that, you gotta try letting the guard down and start trying to trust.

As for the friend... now that its apparent he will try to fuck any chick that walks, you have to decide if you can deal with that. Because he will try to fuck any girl you are with, or any girl who's with any of your friends. Some dudes are like that. That said, I think all you can either say "that's our ________", cue the laugh track and shrug it off, or you can just cut contact with him entirely. He's obviously feels ashamed and in the wrong IMO, due to the lack of contact. If he's not calling you, don't call him. It sucks, but sometimes friends grow apart, and sometimes things like this force them apart.
Pskinner_mma314
6/5/12 3:20:02PM

Posted by Svartorm

The girl is trash, but you already knew that. You don't need to talk with her because she's already lied to you plenty, so there's no point in ripping open old wounds for more half-truthes. She cheated and lied multiple times, and that's that. That obviously doesn't excuse you from what you did, so understand you're not clean in this either.

As for the friend, he's even worse than the girl. In no way did that series of events just accidently happen and alcohol excuses positively nothing from his behavior. Alcohol simply lets you become who you really are for most people, and he showed his true colors. If he was actually sorry and looking for forgiveness, he would have told you right away. Not a good friend, and it unfortunely took you 9 years to figure that out. Sometimes we waste many years on people we shouldn't, but that's part of life.



Just to add to his shittyness......at one point i had asked this girl to marry me......she said yes and shortly after I asked him to be my best man, he also said yes........i hate havin to relive all of this but no lie, you guys are helping
pmoney
6/5/12 3:31:42PM

Posted by Pskinner_mma314

Just to add to his shittyness......at one point i had asked this girl to marry me......she said yes and shortly after I asked him to be my best man, he also said yes........i hate havin to relive all of this but no lie, you guys are helping



That is insane, I'm sorry to hear that bro. They both need to be 86'ed from your life, in my opinion, if they haven't already. I'm glad the forums are helping man. Any kind of release and affirmation can be cathartic.

I've had to deal with lots of people not being in my life anymore. Be it friends or family dying, moving away, losing touch, whatever.... and time does heal, but not all wounds. This might be one that heals, it might not. But over time, the pain diminishes. You will be able to look back and think of certain times and tell certain stories, and it wont hurt. It's always hard for a while, especially with a circumstance such as yours. Just hang in there brother!

Dancing_Doll's post on page 2 is rock solid from top to bottom, I will refer you back to that at this point.
Shawn91111
6/5/12 3:50:07PM
Cheaters cheat, thats as simple as it gets
kopower
6/5/12 3:53:56PM
It takes awhile to heal up. It may take weeks to months before you feel alright.

I'm one of those guys that likes being in a relationship, and will try anything to make it work. I was engaged to a different girl before I met my wife. Things were good at first, but then we started fighting all the time, and breaking up, only to get back together. Now, she never cheated on me, nor I with someone else, but we could never get past the negative moments in our relationship when we would get back together. She was ultimately the one that ended it, and funny, had met a new guy. I still wanted to be together and was pist, and hurt that she already had moved on. Thank god she did. Now when I look back, I basically wasted a few years of my life, trying to make the relationship work, when it just wasn't meant to be. It took months for me to get over it. The best thing I did was stay busy. When I had nothing going on, I would dwell on her, and wonder what she was doing. Not a good thing.

My suggestion is when you're not working, hang out with friends, and stay away from places you might run into her at. If your friends are busy, hang out with family. Just stay active. Go to the gym, play sports, etc. If you find yourself wanting to be in a relationship right away, try online dating. That's a great way to get out and meet new people. Hell, that's how I met my wife. When you meet the right girl, you won't have any trust issues. I was worried like you were, about taking stuff from my previous relationship out on her, but it never happened. Maybe that also had to do with me maturing a bit. Once you've been in a shitty relationship, you know inside of you that you won't put up with shit like that again.

Good luck man. Like I said before, there are plenty of good girls out there. Don't waste your time with the other ones.
george112
6/5/12 4:30:03PM

Posted by kopower

It takes awhile to heal up. It may take weeks to months before you feel alright.

I'm one of those guys that likes being in a relationship, and will try anything to make it work. I was engaged to a different girl before I met my wife. Things were good at first, but then we started fighting all the time, and breaking up, only to get back together. Now, she never cheated on me, nor I with someone else, but we could never get past the negative moments in our relationship when we would get back together. She was ultimately the one that ended it, and funny, had met a new guy. I still wanted to be together and was pist, and hurt that she already had moved on. Thank god she did. Now when I look back, I basically wasted a few years of my life, trying to make the relationship work, when it just wasn't meant to be. It took months for me to get over it. The best thing I did was stay busy. When I had nothing going on, I would dwell on her, and wonder what she was doing. Not a good thing.

My suggestion is when you're not working, hang out with friends, and stay away from places you might run into her at. If your friends are busy, hang out with family. Just stay active. Go to the gym, play sports, etc. If you find yourself wanting to be in a relationship right away, try online dating. That's a great way to get out and meet new people. Hell, that's how I met my wife. When you meet the right girl, you won't have any trust issues. I was worried like you were, about taking stuff from my previous relationship out on her, but it never happened. Maybe that also had to do with me maturing a bit. Once you've been in a shitty relationship, you know inside of you that you won't put up with shit like that again.

Good luck man. Like I said before, there are plenty of good girls out there. Don't waste your time with the other ones.



^^
Bubbles
6/5/12 5:29:56PM
I will agree with the people above who have said that being drunk is not an excuse. I have heard friends say it and I tell them straight up it is bullshit. I once had to literally drag my friend away from some random guy at a bar she was flirting with (and probably grinding with) because she was in a relationship, albeit they were in a rough patch. She used the "I'm drunk and horney" line and I ignored it. The next day she thanked me for preventing a major mistake.

Never buy this excuse. It is a weak ass cop out
Kpro
6/5/12 5:44:54PM

Posted by Bubbles

I once had to literally drag my friend away from some random guy at a bar she was flirting with (and probably grinding with) because she was in a relationship, albeit they were in a rough patch. She used the "I'm drunk and horney" line and I ignored it.



So youuuuu were the one cockblockin me that night.


prophecy033
6/5/12 5:50:27PM

Posted by Bubbles

I will agree with the people above who have said that being drunk is not an excuse. I have heard friends say it and I tell them straight up it is bullshit. I once had to literally drag my friend away from some random guy at a bar she was flirting with (and probably grinding with) because she was in a relationship, albeit they were in a rough patch. She used the "I'm drunk and horney" line and I ignored it. The next day she thanked me for preventing a major mistake.

Never buy this excuse. It is a weak ass cop out

so is the "i blacked out" line. I've been shit housed drunk and always remembered at least the important shit like "did I cheat". Now passing out is another story. My ex and I went out with friends and I got sauced pretty good. Well, when we got home she wanted some and I was almost out. The next day she asked if I remembered anything and I asked about what. She said when we were in bed. Ummm....no I said. She said I was wanting sex and you told me to whip it out and go to town. I was thinking sweet. Then she said I passed out and she gave up. I'm still kinda pissed about that.
Sorry, just thought I'd lighten the mood with my "wtf" moment
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