Relationship question

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ChrisSabal
6/1/12 12:03:59AM
so my girlfriend on accident left her facebook open on my computer. When I was about to log off someone messaged her, but my computer isn't the best so I have to always click the little message thing because the chat box doesn't open when someone messages you.

So when I open up the chat I see that her and this guy have messaged about 2 weeks ago. The first thing I see other than the 'hey' above it is your naked body. So me being curious about this I obviously have to look to see what he is talking about.

He is talking about last year how they went to Cancun and 'hooked up' and saying how it was the best hook up ever. She agreed with him about how he said it was the cherry on top of the whole 2 weeks. He continues to say like how awkward she felt 'jerking' him and she just says yeah she is no good drunk and then he asks well we can do it again next year and she says maybe. Then he states how he wishes he took advantage of Skype and she says you blew your chance because now I have a boyfriend.

Sorry guys that I am posting this here because yeah this isn't the type of place to post these types of things but yet I need someone's opinion on this matter.

So, no we weren't dating before this Cancun trip so that doesn't bother me that they hooked up. People do indeed do this and it is normal. The only thing that has me worried is that she kept talking to him about it and saying how it was nice how he was complimenting her on her nice body and wada wada wada.

So my question to you guys is should I be worried about this and go to Cancun with her next year and should I confront her about this?
frizzzlecake
6/1/12 12:22:58AM
I wouldn't be to concerned because she did state she has a boyfriend and that the guy blew his chance.
ChrisSabal
6/1/12 12:24:59AM

Posted by frizzzlecake

I wouldn't be to concerned because she did state she has a boyfriend and that the guy blew his chance.



one of my concerns is that if a girl brought up an ex-hook up of mind I wouldn't keep talking about it like she did.
frizzzlecake
6/1/12 12:30:02AM
True, but if you bring everything up things could get heated fast. Is it worth the chance of a huge argument?
infestructure
6/1/12 1:06:57AM
Jerking him? Dude, she does not sound like a girl you want to continue with. First of all, she should not be talking to a past 'hook up' - that's a big red light.

Secondly, there is no secondly. I would be livid if I found my wife chatting with an ex or anyone who has a sexual motive. Sorry man, that sucks, but move on.
KingCmb
6/1/12 1:11:20AM
i guess i personally would move on i mean id never get this outa my head that she would even consider it or talk with him but hey man were all different
ChrisSabal
6/1/12 1:25:29AM

Posted by infestructure

Jerking him? Dude, she does not sound like a girl you want to continue with. First of all, she should not be talking to a past 'hook up' - that's a big red light.

Secondly, there is no secondly. I would be livid if I found my wife chatting with an ex or anyone who has a sexual motive. Sorry man, that sucks, but move on.



it was the guy that said 'jerking him'.
FastKnockout
6/1/12 1:26:09AM
In my opinion, she's in the wrong for going along with the conversation. There's no reason she should be in a conversation with her ex about their past sexual encounters.
ChrisSabal
6/1/12 1:26:42AM

Posted by the-king

i guess i personally would move on i mean id never get this outa my head that she would even consider it or talk with him but hey man were all different



I can't get it out of my head but I do want to hear her side of the story first. I talked to another girl about this issue and she said that maybe she was trying to get rid of him but wanted to be nice about it.
prophecy033
6/1/12 1:39:20AM

Posted by ChrisSabal


Posted by the-king

i guess i personally would move on i mean id never get this outa my head that she would even consider it or talk with him but hey man were all different



I can't get it out of my head but I do want to hear her side of the story first. I talked to another girl about this issue and she said that maybe she was trying to get rid of him but wanted to be nice about it.

there are different ways of "being nice about it" like saying "hey, I had a great time in cancun but that was then and now I'm in a great relationship and can't really be talking about that stuff". If I was you I would talk to her and tell her you can't be with someone who so openly talks about "jerking dudes off". If you give her a foot, she'll take a mile
tcunningham
6/1/12 1:59:30AM
i would be pissed and would forever be suspicious. so then i would probably dump her just becasue of my suspicion. i hope this doesnt make you to suspicious
ChrisSabal
6/1/12 2:16:33AM
I did talk to her about it and she cried for a good 30-40 minutes over the issue. Never questioning what I did once and kept saying how it was her fault.

This is her first serious relationship, longest relationship before me being 5 months freshman year of high school, so I will cut her some slack that maybe she didn't think, at the time, what she did was wrong.

I am going to wait and talk to her in person to see if she really is sincere about it but I will say she is walking on a thin line because I don't like wasting my time when it comes to relationships.
KungFuMaster
6/1/12 2:37:59AM

Posted by ChrisSabal

so my girlfriend on accident left her facebook open on my computer. When I was about to log off someone messaged her, but my computer isn't the best so I have to always click the little message thing because the chat box doesn't open when someone messages you.

So when I open up the chat I see that her and this guy have messaged about 2 weeks ago. The first thing I see other than the 'hey' above it is your naked body. So me being curious about this I obviously have to look to see what he is talking about.

He is talking about last year how they went to Cancun and 'hooked up' and saying how it was the best hook up ever. She agreed with him about how he said it was the cherry on top of the whole 2 weeks. He continues to say like how awkward she felt 'jerking' him and she just says yeah she is no good drunk and then he asks well we can do it again next year and she says maybe. Then he states how he wishes he took advantage of Skype and she says you blew your chance because now I have a boyfriend.

Sorry guys that I am posting this here because yeah this isn't the type of place to post these types of things but yet I need someone's opinion on this matter.

So, no we weren't dating before this Cancun trip so that doesn't bother me that they hooked up. People do indeed do this and it is normal. The only thing that has me worried is that she kept talking to him about it and saying how it was nice how he was complimenting her on her nice body and wada wada wada.

So my question to you guys is should I be worried about this and go to Cancun with her next year and should I confront her about this?



I don't think you want my opinion on the matter. If the issue wasn't so intimate, I would definitely offer my opinion but this is something I think you will need to deal with on your own and with the help of close families and friends.
george112
6/1/12 2:46:31AM
Break up with her dude.


Seriously man. She said maybe.
Pookie
6/1/12 3:59:52AM

Posted by prophecy033
tell her you can't be with someone who so openly talks about "jerking dudes off". If you give her a foot, she'll take a mile



This right here was the perfect answer. It puts her in check on what you expect, and it sets the precedent that if you are not respected she could lose it all.
infestructure
6/1/12 5:32:46AM

Posted by george112

Break up with her dude.


Seriously man. She said maybe.



There's the ringer. First relationship or no, she has shown she has the wrong attitude and is approaching it the wrong way. I don't get dudes who are so lenient over this shiz.
TeamDEY
6/1/12 6:09:35AM
They have been talking for two weeks. Yea she said that she had a boyfriend but still it seems a little "fishy". Honestly a relationship is built on trust. If you really like this girl and TRUST her then I wouldn't worry about it. You don't want her to think your snooping around and looking through her Facebook. Tough situation but honestly I wouldn't confront her unless you find out more info on it from the computer..... or you could break up with her. And if she said maybe then I just wouldn't be able to trust her. Seems like no one is faithful these days.
Adrenaline
6/1/12 6:15:36AM

Posted by Pookie


Posted by prophecy033
tell her you can't be with someone who so openly talks about "jerking dudes off". If you give her a foot, she'll take a mile



This right here was the perfect answer. It puts her in check on what you expect, and it sets the precedent that if you are not respected she could lose it all.




These two just worded it perfectly.

Another long one from me (sorry to those with short attention spans) but it might help you out.

I can attest from past experiences what Prophecy said about giving and inch and them taking a mile. I dated a girl a few years ago and every once in awhile a co worker would text her. At first I was cool with it, I was secure with myself and the relationship so I said it was fine as long as it was the occasional "how are you" or work related type of thing.

Then they started texting alot, so I got suspicious, checked her phone right in front of her, it was all innocent but getting too friendly for my tastes.I told her no more texting him period and left it at that. A couple weeks passed and I had almost forgotten about the issue then I started to notice that she was leaving her phone in the car when she was at my apartment (what girl puts her phone down, let alone leaves it somewhere?) When I asked her about it she claimed dead battery the first few times and then I asked if I could look at her messages and she got defensive and said no. I knew why and told her to float a brick and that we were done.

Well being young, that didn't last long and we got back together, this time I made it clear, I said if you are willing to throw away 2 years together over this, then just tell me now because if it happens again, we are done so lets not waste each other's time. She cried, admitted that she was wrong and promised to stop. Long story short, it all worked out in the end and we are now married with 4 kids.......

Oh wait no, a couple months later she left her email wide open on my computer, it was full of flirty emails between the two, very recent ones and she never actually stopped talking to him....like at all. I read only a couple of them before I was so mad that I was considering burning down a church full of orphans. I was pondering on how to dump her in the most soul crushing way possible and then it dawned on me, yeah she was a bitch but it was my fault for letting her get away with it for so long. So I calmed down and noticed that she pretty much lived at my place so I put all of her shit in a big box, hopped in my car, drove to her apartment and set the box on her front step. She must have saw me through the window because she came out as I was walking away. She looked down at the box of her stuff and asked what was going on and that she didn't understand. I calmly said "check your email, but you will probably have to wait for me to log you off of my computer first" The look on her face was priceless. Never talked to her again. Found out a few years later that she was married (no not to the co-worker) but that they were getting divorced because she cheated on her husband. Needless to say I just smiled and sighed thankful for the bullet I dodged.

If I can give you any real advice it would be to not constantly check up on her, her phone, try to creep her facebook/emails. It will just drive you insane and cause you a bunch of stress and strain your relationship. I think you should give her another chance but you can either trust someone or you can't. If it comes to the point where you don't think you can trust her, its time to cut ties.
pmoney
6/1/12 7:40:42AM
I feel Prophecy, Pookie and Adrenaline are on to something.

If you break up with this girl, there is a .01% chance you will ever say, "Man I wish I was still with her". Rarely does a relationship end that shouldn't. On the contrary, I find most relationships go on far longer than necessary. Half the time a chick will leave something like that out there just for you to see so you break up with her. Women have fake crying down to a science.

Having said that, it could be very possible that your girl was just leading this guy on. Women love that shit. Very rarely are they direct, unless they are saying "I want a divorce" or, "I'm calling the cops".

I say put a key logger on her computer, and see what the fuck pops up. Or just dump her. I must ask this though, she has done this and given you a reason not to trust her. Has she given you any reason(s) to trust her?
Pookie
6/1/12 7:48:37AM

Posted by pmoney
Women have fake crying down to a science.



Not to be confused with it's malignant cousin, Feigned outrage.
jjeans
6/1/12 8:19:41AM
Hey Chris, first of all don't feel to bad about posting this sorta shit on the PG, better to open up somewhere than bottle it up

Not that I was planning for anything to happen ever but if something happened down my end i'd rather grab people's Skype on the PG and cry plenty a tear to all you guys than to meet with one of my mates who I'll probably feel embarrassed for next time I see

However that's just me and that's the first thing to mention, everyone's giving there opinions, some people are relaxed and cool about there partners having friends of the other sex (my gf) and others get very harsh and overly caring very quick (me) and the other things is we don't know your gf, she could as someone suggested was trying to shoo him away in a polite way

Personally I would have been upset by the word maybe, more than what she did whilst you weren't dating

You said she was crying when you brought it up, did she give you any reason as to why she was talking to him anyway?

This is a weird situation but you personally need to decide which of the 3 roots you want to take

1. You break up with her, and you return to being single with the chance she comes running back

2. You grill her for it and find out some real answers and if you don't think you get the answers you want you can break up with her for it or make it clear you don't want anything like this happening again.

3. You can just choose to let it slip with the fear of upsetting her, however you might not get any real answers but she might, if she's honest, come clean, however if she wants to break up with you this would be her worse situation as she'll need to do something worse for you to break up with her

I choose option 3 on my ex when she did something behind my back, when I went and did something behind her back she broke up with me temporarily, then when I did it again, she broke up with me understandably, however I've matured now

If I wasn't me and my naturally insecure self and it was an average man, I think it'd be best to find out the truth and try and work out why she did it and make sure she promises not to do it again
Also maybe find out what she gets from talking to him that she doesn't get from talking to you, it's a hard question to ask but we all have friends for different reasons so there must be a reason

Anyway mate I'm sorry this has happened and I wish you all the best

Hope your alright nonetheless!
Shawn91111
6/1/12 9:05:04AM
n/m misread
gartface
6/1/12 9:18:22AM

Posted by jjeans
Personally I would have been upset by the word maybe, more than what she did whilst you weren't dating



This all day. The fact that she said maybe to the prospects is just an absolute deal breaker and actual means to distrust.

But like Adrenaline said, don't spend your time checking up on her constantly. To me, if you have to do that at all, what's the point of being with that person?
kopower
6/1/12 9:27:42AM
Not that it matters, but how old is this chick? Sounds like she still has some maturing to do. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't be talking about those past experiences.

When I was dating my wife before we got married, she would talk with one of her good guy friends quite often. Before I was in the picture, they hooked up. It bothered me how often they talked, given their past together. She didn't even question me when I brought up my disappointment. She quite calling him, and the two just text occasionally. She even would tell me if he texted her. Down the road, I even met him a few times snowboarding, after my wife invited him to go with us. It was a bit weird at first, but I trusted her, and was secure with myself.

Good luck, and remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I hated when people would tell me that, but it's true. No sense in living with doubt and wondering if the girl is hiding something every time you see her.
scoozna
6/1/12 9:33:42AM
How serious are you two about your relationship - been going out a long time? Are you crazy about her? I didn't pick up on these items in your post.

If your gf is a good one, one you really want to keep, one *worth* keeping, then my advice is to dig down deep and do some serious communicating. Not just confronting - that's important - but real talking where you let her know what you're not willing to tolerate and why. And that's only half. It would seem incomplete to me without getting her to tell you whether she finds your position to be acceptable ( like no more flirting with this other guy) and why/why not. In other words, if she agrees that what you want is fair, she should be able to articulate to you why it's fair.

If you get that far, and beyond, then you have to trust. Like others have said, if you can't trust her, she's not worth it. But you've laid the foundation for communicating, so you should be able to have the serious, open discussion again if/when she says she's going to Cancun or wherever again.

I hope she's one of the ones worth keeping. I hope she's digs you a lot and is willing to be committed to you.

Shawn91111
6/1/12 10:18:31AM

Posted by kopower

Not that it matters, but how old is this chick? Sounds like she still has some maturing to do. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't be talking about those past experiences.

When I was dating my wife before we got married, she would talk with one of her good guy friends quite often. Before I was in the picture, they hooked up. It bothered me how often they talked, given their past together. She didn't even question me when I brought up my disappointment. She quite calling him, and the two just text occasionally. She even would tell me if he texted her. Down the road, I even met him a few times snowboarding, after my wife invited him to go with us. It was a bit weird at first, but I trusted her, and was secure with myself.

Good luck, and remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I hated when people would tell me that, but it's true. No sense in living with doubt and wondering if the girl is hiding something every time you see her.




So had they not hooked up "prior" to you being with her, would it have been an issue if she was good friends with him?
ChrisSabal
6/1/12 10:57:43AM
Ok, like I said I talked to her last night and I talked to her in person today. To address an early issue I saw, no she wasn't talking for him for 2 weeks she talked to him 2 weeks ago. It seems like they talked for 30 minutes at the most.

We are both 19 years old and have been dating since October. She was never one to fall hard for guys but she did for me. Her mom even told me how should could tell she actually liked me by doing just small certain things.

Ok but back to the real story. When I talked to her on the phone she knew exactly what I was talking about. I said how would you like it if you saw someone texted me and went through the conversation and I was talking to the girl about a past hook up. She agreed with me and said that should would be very upset. She also agreed with me on how it wasn't that creepy that I went on further reading the conversation after what I saw.

She said she felt very stupid and didn't mean nothing by it. This guy lives in another state might I add and they only see each other for two weeks every two years, so it is kind of like a vacation 'love'. She said when she said maybe she thought the guy was joking because he said lets hook up again 'winky face'. She said maybe and he said hahahaha yeah I wish and she just went on with another conversation.

Yes I do like this girl a lot as she has given me no reasons not to not like her besides this one. When she saw me in person today she couldn't help but cry and said she still felt really dumb and never meant to hurt me by this.

I told her I brought this up simply on the fact to let her know how wrong it was and how much it bothered me. I told her she wouldn't get a second chance if I saw something like this again and she completely understood.

So no I didn't break up with her as I didn't see any REAL reason too. I realize people flirt and its in our blood and even if you won't admit it everyone has thought about doing something like this or a little like this before. It just sometimes takes a kick in the butt to realize how wrong it is.

Michael_Corleone
6/1/12 11:13:30AM
I'm not an expert on women, I'm sure DancingDoll would probably have the best advice for you, but this is my three cents:

I think it is a good sign that she told dude that she had a boyfriend and wouldn't skype. If she won't skype with him, she prolly won't jerk him off again. And when she told dude "maybe", she actually meant "no". 99% sure on that. Girl code; no means yes, maybe means no, and yes means I don't care. Lol.

Girls love receiving attention and flattery. Its in their blood. So even if she has no intention of hooking up, she will let a guy flatter her ALL DAY LONG.

So to answer your question, FUCK YEAH you should go with your girl to Cancun. It would be a fun way to get past all this and when yall get back have her delete homeboy from her Facebook.
kopower
6/1/12 11:24:51AM

Posted by Shawn91111


Posted by kopower

Not that it matters, but how old is this chick? Sounds like she still has some maturing to do. If she really cared about you, she wouldn't be talking about those past experiences.

When I was dating my wife before we got married, she would talk with one of her good guy friends quite often. Before I was in the picture, they hooked up. It bothered me how often they talked, given their past together. She didn't even question me when I brought up my disappointment. She quite calling him, and the two just text occasionally. She even would tell me if he texted her. Down the road, I even met him a few times snowboarding, after my wife invited him to go with us. It was a bit weird at first, but I trusted her, and was secure with myself.

Good luck, and remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I hated when people would tell me that, but it's true. No sense in living with doubt and wondering if the girl is hiding something every time you see her.




So had they not hooked up "prior" to you being with her, would it have been an issue if she was good friends with him?



No. I trust my gal. It still would be weird if they talked all the time, especially if he was the one calling her. I mean how many guys have really close friends that are girls, and want nothing more?
postman
6/1/12 12:37:57PM
I would keep an eye on her for a while if I were you. I wouldn't break up if you don't want to just because she didn't play spin control and flip out for looking at her FB. I think thats a sure sign that anyone has no explination for what they did if they start pointing the finger at you.
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