Well since no one else is posting, and this thread is going dead... I'LL POST SOME MORE!! YAY!!!
Patient: Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter?" But instead I said: 'You BITCH, you have completely ruined my life.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."
The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. Mother Superior
: What troubles you, Sister? I thought this was the day you spent with your family. Sister
: It was, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." Mother Superior
: I seem to recall that. So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?Sister
: Far from it, in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today! Mother Superior
: Goodness, Sister! You must tell me all about it! Sister
: Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother. It was a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee! Mother Superior
: Oh my ! How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister! Sister
: No, that wasn't it. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!Mother Superior
: Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!Sister
: But I didn't, Mother Superior, and I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!Mother Superior
: So that's when you cursedSister
: Nope, that wasn't it either because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare Mother Superior
: You missed the F*@$!ng putt, didn't you?