Jokes

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loonytnt
10/15/07 6:26:43PM
anyone got any good jokes?
fedorwins1
10/15/07 7:14:43PM
This guy goes into a bathroom and sees a leporchan at one of the urinals. The guy is like Holy Crap is that a leporchan? He goes up and asks the leporchan and he responds yes. The guy then askeed the leporchan if he does wishes or anything like that. The leporchan says yes I will give you three wishes. The guy is thinking, wow this is the best day of my life!

First, he wished for the biggest house in the neighborhood. The leporchan says it's done as soon as you go home you will realize that you have the biggest and nicest house in the neighborhood. Next, the man wishes for the hottest wife to come home to every night. Again, the leporchan says, as soon as you go home a bomb shell will be there waiting for you. The guy is thinking man I've only got one more wish left I better use it good. As he is thinking this he looks down and sees that the leporchan is pretty well hung. The man then says, ok for my last wish I wish to have a dick that's as big as yours. The leporchan says, well there's a trick to that one, you have to let me have sex with you first before the wish comes true.

The guy is sitting there thinking about it and finally says whatever. So as the leporchan is giving it to the guy and the guy is thinking, wow I can't believe I'm letting a leporchan bang me and the leporchan is thinking, wow I can't believe this guy thinks I'm a leporchan
theman5050
10/15/07 8:52:09PM
did you know helen keller had a doll house in her back yard?
kevietre
10/15/07 9:01:48PM
I went to UFC 75 and I actually found Cecil Peoples cell phone during the Hamill vs. Bisping fight.

So after the fight I went up to him and said Cecil I found your cell phone.

He said "That's not my cell phone."

I said "It has to be... It has 100 missed calls on it. "

Trapt1nw0nder
10/15/07 10:11:51PM

Posted by kevietre

I went to UFC 75 and I actually found Cecil Peoples cell phone during the Hamill vs. Bisping fight.

So after the fight I went up to him and said Cecil I found your cell phone.

He said "That's not my cell phone."

I said "It has to be... It has 100 missed calls on it. "




ha...nice one
argile
10/15/07 10:26:16PM
You hear about the guy from Brazil who had 5 penises? they say his underwear fit like a glove.
fullfighting
10/15/07 11:47:01PM
Whats strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A back-hand.
p.s. just a joke
loonytnt
10/16/07 12:09:39AM

Posted by kevietre

I went to UFC 75 and I actually found Cecil Peoples cell phone during the Hamill vs. Bisping fight.

So after the fight I went up to him and said Cecil I found your cell phone.

He said "That's not my cell phone."

I said "It has to be... It has 100 missed calls on it. "




lmao
GTS
10/16/07 12:15:49AM
A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
Stickan
10/16/07 1:09:07PM
This one has to be said.

"Do you know what the good thing about having sex with 24-year olds is?"

"No"

"There are 20 of them. (Twenty 4-year olds)."

Credit to David Angelo for this one. The man is a pun-machine and easily one of the funniest people alive. He's funny looking, funny without trying to be funny and has this lame, childish kind of humour that somehow cracks you up.
pv3Hpv3p
10/16/07 2:40:55PM
3 plastic surgeons walk into a bar...

They have a couple drinks and start bragging about their greatest feats of plastic and/or reconstructive surgery...

The first one says, "Well, I had this guy come in who lost all his fingers on both hands. I reattached them, and now he's a concert pianist!"

The other two nod their heads in solemn approval, untill the second says,"Well, get this... I had a guy brought in who lost both arms and both legs. I reattached them and he won a gold medal in the triathlon!"

Again nods and grumbles of approval from his friends...

The third guy finally speaks up... "Well I was driving my car down a country road and out of no where, this blond lady on a horse comes jumping out in front of me and I nail them with the car. Anyways, to make a long story short, all I could find was the blond hair and the horse's ass... But hey, now she's running for president!"
pv3Hpv3p
10/16/07 2:42:54PM

Posted by fullfighting

Whats strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A back-hand.
p.s. just a joke



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin, ya already done told her twice....


Why does a bride always wear white?

Well, the dishwasher's gotta match the fridge and the oven, right?


(also both just jokes... they're only funny if their tasteless right?)
ko-kbo130
10/16/07 2:50:17PM
no neither did she

why cant hellen keller drive?
cause shes a woman
Cladrix
10/16/07 4:25:04PM
Have u guys heard the butter joke??

No??

Nevermind I dont want to spread it
DJDark41
10/16/07 4:42:30PM
A women gets out of a spousel abuse counseling center and goes back home. Whats the first thing she does?













The dishes, if she knows whats good for her.
TNunley
10/16/07 4:48:19PM

Posted by pv3Hpv3p


Posted by fullfighting

Whats strong enough for a man but made for a woman? A back-hand.
p.s. just a joke



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothin, ya already done told her twice....


Why does a bride always wear white?

Well, the dishwasher's gotta match the fridge and the oven, right?


(also both just jokes... they're only funny if their tasteless right?)



To add to your sexist jokes:

How many men does it take to open a beer?










None, the bitch better have it open when she brings it!

(Need I remind this is only a joke?)
TNunley
10/17/07 8:55:30AM
Well since no one else is posting, and this thread is going dead... I'LL POST SOME MORE!! YAY!!!

Patient: Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: "Could you please pass the butter?" But instead I said: 'You BITCH, you have completely ruined my life.

--------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

-------

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

Mother Superior: What troubles you, Sister? I thought this was the day you spent with your family.

Sister: It was, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

Mother Superior: I seem to recall that. So I take It your day of recreation was not relaxing?

Sister: Far from it, in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!

Mother Superior: Goodness, Sister! You must tell me all about it!

Sister: Well, we were on the fifth tee... and this hole is a monster, Mother. It was a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green... and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!

Mother Superior: Oh my ! How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!

Sister: No, that wasn't it. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!

Mother Superior: Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!

Sister: But I didn't, Mother Superior, and I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!

Mother Superior: So that's when you cursed

Sister: Nope, that wasn't it either because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare

Mother Superior: You missed the F*@$!ng putt, didn't you?
theman5050
10/17/07 4:30:15PM
how did hellen keller parents punish her? rearange the furniature and forgot to tell her, how did heller keller burn her face? she answered the iron how did she burn the other side? they called back, how did hellen kellers parents punish her? put door knobs all over the walls
Boo_Radley21
10/17/07 6:55:28PM
A cook comes home from work one day and says to his wife "Honey I got fired today"
"What did you mean, why did you get fired"
"I put my dick in the carrot pealer"
"Oh my god...What happened to the carrot pealer"
"She got fired too"
mkiv9secsupra
10/18/07 12:43:41AM
Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?




He heard boys' pants were half off!!!!

Rich78
10/18/07 8:55:32AM
#This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

# I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"? I said, "No, permanent."

# I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

# I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

# I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

# Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

# I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

# I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

# I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

# My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

# I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

# I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

# I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

# I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

# The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

# I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

# This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

# I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

# I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

# This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

# I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

# I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

# I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

# I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

# I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

# I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

# I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow


TNunley
10/18/07 12:25:26PM
Some of those were funny... other I didn't understand... guess English English, is a bit different than American English!!
szucconi
10/18/07 3:04:54PM

Posted by TNunley

Some of those were funny... other I didn't understand... guess English English, is a bit different than American English!!



read them out load in you best British accent, they are much funnier. Australian accents work also, but mine isn't very good.
TNunley
10/18/07 4:00:50PM

Posted by szucconi
read them out load in you best British accent, they are much funnier. Australian accents work also, but mine isn't very good.



Yeah... the only thing that's funny about that, is how big of a dumb ass it makes me when reading them aloud in my best British accent. I just think something is lost in translation. They're probably great knee slappers in England... I just don't understand some of the stuff.

" I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I'm assuming "Having me on" is like saying, "Are you kidding me?", but "having me on" works better with the punch line.


"I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


Yeah I have no idea what this one means...
fullfighting
10/18/07 4:33:53PM
What the hell were those? Were those jokes? No offense but they ALL sucked ass. Good thing the Brits are better at taking over the world than they are telling jokes. Maybe I should say good thing they were better at taking over the world. Great country awesome people but bad jokes.
Rich78
10/20/07 10:21:18AM

Posted by TNunley

They're probably great knee slappers in England... I just don't understand some of the stuff.



Erm.... no not really. I also posted it in my private camp forums, where most of us are British. It got much the same reaction as from you guys Well I think they're funny anyway lol.
zach66700
10/7/08 10:43:33PM

Posted by theman5050

did you know helen keller had a doll house in her back yard?



That is hilarious
bls1919
10/10/08 8:57:12PM
Drinkin non alcoholic beer is like eating out your hot cousin.







Tastes good but just aint right.
MMAcca
10/11/08 1:50:30AM

Posted by Rich78

# I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

# Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

# I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

# I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

# I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

# This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

# I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

# I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

# I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.







Rich78 where did you get these from i thought they were amazing!!!!!!!

I can just imagine Jimmy Carr saying these.

If i didn't have to spread the love i would be propping you for days.
Mungooch
10/11/08 2:43:43AM

THESES TWO JOKE ARE SICK
READ ON IF YOU HAVE A STRONG STOMACH




I went into the doctors the other day and he said mate you need to stop masterbating! Why I asked because i'm trying to examine you!

Don't you just hate when you are driving along having a smoke when you try and flick it out the window and its closed. You decide to ignore it and keep on driving. 5mins later you smell this smell its almost like burning leather, you search around under your seat but find nothing. 10mins later the smell gets stronger you have another look and again find nothing, 2 mins later you get fed up and turn around to find your grandma masterbating in the back seat!!!!!
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