The infamous story that got me banned for a week

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hotrodttt
8/16/12 3:42:18AM
Here's the story guys, it's still as funny as I remember

When I was 18 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 18 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my **** to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 18, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL ****, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest **** and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the ****.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in **** and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my **** with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest **** of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a **** and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY ****!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I **** on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
lohmann
8/16/12 3:53:10AM
Uh...

Um...





Of course the poor girl told nobody. Would probably be impossible to tell without admitting you had been pooped on. I do wonder how her parents reacted when they got home and saw the stain on their bed though.
FlashyG
8/16/12 3:56:03AM
Imagine the stank on the mattress and Boxspring.

They probably had to fumigate and get a new bedroom set after that.

I've heard Bojangalz describe that thread a couple times now but he actually undersold how funny it was
Poor_Franklin
8/16/12 3:58:34AM
simply fantastic. i bet she never played w/ a dude's ass ever again.
DancingDoll
8/16/12 5:21:24AM
Wow... and it all started out so sexy. Then it turned into a new genre of stories - 'erotica horror'.

Yeah, this would have scarred me for life on soooooo many levels. Scariest sex story ever!
george112
8/16/12 6:22:28AM
WOW






DUDE I can honestly say I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Damn that was funny.


OG Prop for that one
Bubbles
8/16/12 7:37:25AM

Posted by DancingDoll

Wow... and it all started out so sexy. Then it turned into a new genre of stories - 'erotica horror'.

Yeah, this would have scarred me for life on soooooo many levels. Scariest sex story ever!


this story is better than anything you have written....and it was a fraction of the length
kopower
8/16/12 10:18:13AM
Great story. Reminds me of this.

airkerma
8/16/12 10:57:34AM
Wow, sounds like a reverse story of the infamous "Tucker Max tries anal, hilarity does not ensue"
Shawn91111
8/16/12 11:14:12AM
There is no way we cant make fun of you in the fight camp for this.


Pics of said ex gf


Also why did this get you banned and which mod did it back then?
DancingDoll
8/16/12 11:24:58AM

Posted by Bubbles


Posted by DancingDoll

Wow... and it all started out so sexy. Then it turned into a new genre of stories - 'erotica horror'.

Yeah, this would have scarred me for life on soooooo many levels. Scariest sex story ever!


this story is better than anything you have written....and it was a fraction of the length



Well, to be fair... I didn't know that you got off on scat stories, Bubbles. Shhh... it's ok, I won't tell anyone.
KingCmb
8/16/12 11:40:20AM
back in the day i read up to the candles and had to work when i came home it was gone i had wondered ever since thank you for reposting
prozacnation1978
8/16/12 11:49:02AM
Wow.

I can't really think of any sexual misadventures
I got a few nasty ones. But man if I ever did that in bed with someone. I don't know what I would do. Probably move to a new city
Franklinfan47
8/16/12 12:50:33PM
On the plus side, I bet you werent constipated for a while
cowcatcher
8/16/12 12:51:35PM

Posted by Shawn91111

Also why did this get you banned and which mod did it back then?



Do you really have to ask?
Shawn91111
8/16/12 12:52:34PM

Posted by cowcatcher


Posted by Shawn91111

Also why did this get you banned and which mod did it back then?



Do you really have to ask?



Damn that Zep
prophecy033
8/16/12 1:03:48PM
holy shit(oops) that's some funny shit(oops). That story still has me rolling. I can just imagine what was going through your head,as she plunged her finger up your add "oh Fuck, oh Fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck it, oops, there she blows"

On a side note, she obviously wasn't THAT kinky
tcunningham
8/16/12 1:08:21PM
this is the first thing i read this morning, my day has already taken a weird turn. funniest story ive heard in a LONG time. jesus christ!!!!!
scoozna
8/16/12 1:34:33PM
Why that was a lovely story. Now I must return to my Jane Austen novel.
Michael_Corleone
8/16/12 1:39:36PM
Man, if only this chick was better at blowin dudes. Say she had that superhead game, you bust 2-3 minutes earlier, and this whole thing never happens. Girls stop sleepin on that head game! You might end up gettin shitted on! HAHAHAHA!!

Superhead chicks >>>>>>
bojangalz
8/16/12 2:09:38PM
I think the thing that people are getting misconstrued is the fact that this wasn't actually hotrod's story. He simply posted it from something he had found online- another person's story. And in the original story the lead role is played by a person younger than 18 (which I suspect had a hand in why it was only available for a limited time). Obviously some concessions were made to get the post revived all these years later.

Honestly, I almost wish this thread was locked and deleted now. Back then I felt robbed of the ability to at least copy/paste the narrative for future use. And it was a shame that almost no one got to see the story before it was killed off. Now that both have been accomplished I think perhaps it time to tuck this baby back to bed.

That way in ten years when some "veteran" of the forums comes along with one of those "I can't believe it's been five years" threads again; one of us can simply mention hotrod's epic bowel/virginity fail and be able to share a moment which is meant for only the O'est of OG's.

thevoodooninja
8/16/12 2:17:37PM
Don't delete it yet. Wait for me to get home so I get a chance to read it. I don't want to wait 5 more years to check it out
kopower
8/16/12 2:31:36PM

Posted by bojangalz

I think the thing that people are getting misconstrued is the fact that this wasn't actually hotrod's story. He simply posted it from something he had found online- another person's story. And in the original story the lead role is played by a person younger than 18 (which I suspect had a hand in why it was only available for a limited time). Obviously some concessions were made to get the post revived all these years later.

Honestly, I almost wish this thread was locked and deleted now. Back then I felt robbed of the ability to at least copy/paste the narrative for future use. And it was a shame that almost no one got to see the story before it was killed off. Now that both have been accomplished I think perhaps it time to tuck this baby back to bed.

That way in ten years when some "veteran" of the forums comes along with one of those "I can't believe it's been five years" threads again; one of us can simply mention hotrod's epic bowel/virginity fail and be able to share a moment which is meant for only the O'est of OG's.




Damn, I thought it was hotrodttt's personal story. Still epic though. I like the idea of putting it in a time capsule for future generations of pg'ers to laugh about.
bojangalz
8/16/12 2:38:49PM
Yeah, I'm thinking any future reference to the story needs to be twisted to put hotrod in there. That way any time someone mentioned it the conversation will go something like this:

"Remember that time Hotrod lost his virginity then shat all over his girlfriend?!"
prophecy033
8/16/12 2:45:21PM

Posted by kopower


Posted by bojangalz

I think the thing that people are getting misconstrued is the fact that this wasn't actually hotrod's story. He simply posted it from something he had found online- another person's story. And in the original story the lead role is played by a person younger than 18 (which I suspect had a hand in why it was only available for a limited time). Obviously some concessions were made to get the post revived all these years later.

Honestly, I almost wish this thread was locked and deleted now. Back then I felt robbed of the ability to at least copy/paste the narrative for future use. And it was a shame that almost no one got to see the story before it was killed off. Now that both have been accomplished I think perhaps it time to tuck this baby back to bed.

That way in ten years when some "veteran" of the forums comes along with one of those "I can't believe it's been five years" threads again; one of us can simply mention hotrod's epic bowel/virginity fail and be able to share a moment which is meant for only the O'est of OG's.




Damn, I thought it was hotrodttt's personal story. Still epic though. I like the idea of putting it in a time capsule for future generations of pg'ers to laugh about.

infestructure
8/16/12 4:49:55PM

Posted by prophecy033


On a side note, she obviously wasn't THAT kinky



Hmm - This is what I'm thinking. I wonder if anyone will be THAT guy and call BS?

KungFuMaster
8/16/12 5:32:44PM
I will be that guy, infestructure.

I don't believe for a moment this story is true but if it was based on a true story, it was overly exaggerated and there are plenty of clues in the story to support it.

I apologize for having to be THAT GUY. Why can't I just enjoy a good story?
hotrodttt
8/16/12 5:53:52PM

Posted by Shawn91111

There is no way we cant make fun of you in the fight camp for this.


Pics of said ex gf


Also why did this get you banned and which mod did it back then?



Its not me in the story shawn lol I found this on a video game forum like 4 years ago
Pookie
8/16/12 6:28:28PM
Sounds like the girl deserved it for sneaking a finger up his ass unexpectedly.
hotrodttt
8/16/12 6:38:00PM

Posted by Pookie

Sounds like the girl deserved it for sneaking a finger up his ass unexpectedly.

Yea, thats what happens when a woman does what a man is supposed to do
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