The great quotes from comedians thread. » Off Topic » Off Topic » The great quotes from comedians thread.
9/11/08 10:47:24AM
Sorry guys, I'm in a neat quote sharing mood and threads like this and my other usually end up being really fun and start off some interesting discussions so I thought I'd add it. Title explains it all again, so I'll start it off and share two apiece from my two personal all time favorites.

"People always walk up to me and say, " You know, it takes less energy to smile than it does to frown" My response, "Yeah, and it took more energy to point that out than it did to just leave me alone."

"People suck and that's my contention. I can prove on scratch paper and a pen,give me a f@*kin' Etch A Sketch and II'll doing in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum, I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this backslapping aren't humanity neat b#llshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are." - Bill Hicks, being Bill Hicks, which is to say awesome.

"You live eighty years and at most you get six seconds of pure magic."
" If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. The people suck, **** hope." -George Carlin on the reality of life and voting in America

Two of our greatest and funniest public voices, both of whom always spoke the truth as they saw it and pulled no punches for anyone. I'm truly sad they are both gone. Feel free to add some of yours guys.
9/11/08 12:37:02PM
lol good ones
ill put two from some of my favorites
"its called death you mean ima hit this shit and die....l i got shit to do today"
kat willianms
a very tru very funny quote and the name of his last show
"you cant fix stupid"
ron white
9/11/08 1:01:58PM
"I ain't scared of you mutha fuckas"
-Bernie mac

"michael your not a mutha ****** muslim how you gonna be muslim you got a white womans pork face"
-Katt Williams

"this nigga's climbin up in trees and shit sayin "dont you climb tree's" NO NIGGA WE GOT SOME BILLS AND SHIT TO PAY TAKE YOUR PETER PAN ASS AND MAKE SOME PEANUT BUTTER OR SOMETHING"
-katt williams
"you cant name no nigga baby blanket"
-katt williams
9/11/08 1:46:00PM
ahhahahah another kat williams fan i see
9/11/08 1:54:01PM
is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool apotamus?
mitch hedberg
9/11/08 4:29:12PM

Posted by cowcatcher

is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool apotamus?
mitch hedberg

if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****** up

waffles are nothing but pancakes w/ syrup traps

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died. ------Hedberg
9/11/08 4:34:05PM
But you know what it is, Gus? I figured it out about your wife. I'm gonna say it. And my wife, I don't give a f–– about my wife, she can shut the f–– up. I'm gonna tell you something. I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherf––ing camping trip? And that your wife was Puerto Rican? Your wife ain't no motherf––ing Puerto Rican! I thought she was when I first met her, Gus. Cause I walk up, I say "Hello, it's good to meet you. My name is Vernon." She says, "Hello, I'm Bunny. Goonie googoo."

What the f–– does "goonie googoo" mean, Gus? I don't know what the f–– that shit is to this day. I thought I'd learned some new Spanish shit. I went up to my friend, I said, "Hey Sanchez! Goonie googoo!" And Sanchez says, "Get the f–– outta here." So I been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured it out about your wife, where you met your wife. You didn't meet your wife on no motherf––ing camping trip.

Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherf––in' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitchh down and taught her to speak. I know a motherf––in' Bigfoot when I see one!

You know how I found out they was Bigfoot? When I realized your wife was a Bigfoot when I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherf––ers in the boat, Gus, and I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and they put their poles down in the motherf––in' boat, and slammed their faces in the water for 2 minutes! And I think, "What the f–– are these kids doin'?" Then they start moving their heads like this [shakes his head] and the motherf––ers come up with fish! I jumped back and said, "Can you believe this motherf––in' shit? Then the kid took the fish out his mouth and looked at his brother and said, "Goonie googoo."

What the f–– is going on here? Normal kids don't do shit like that, Gus. But I'm gonna tell you something, motherf––er. You can take your motherf––in' hairy fat-ass wife moustache bitch out the f––. You can go upstairs and get the motherf––in' dog and scoop up the shit and take Eddie and get these motherf––in' long Angela Davis afro-wearin' motherf––in' kids of yours and put them in the motherf––ing Goonie-Googoo-Mobile and get the f–– out! And if my wife don't like it, she can get the f–– out, too.

Eddie Murphy-delirious

9/11/08 7:10:41PM
"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now, 'cause I smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me - a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one night. I tried to run - they had more energy than I, I tried to hide - they heard me wheezing. "

[about three rednecks who met him after a show where he made a joke about Christians]
Bill Hicks: [imitating them] "Hey buddy, we're Christians, we don't like what you said."
Bill Hicks: [in his own voice] I said "Then forgive me".

"You have to admit, beliefs are odd. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a f***ing cross? "

All Bill Hicks, the greatest comedian ever.
9/11/08 7:28:00PM
here's my favorite one from George Carlin:

"Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers."

9/11/08 7:31:22PM

Posted by DiabloFreak56

"I ain't scared of you mutha fuckas"
-Bernie mac

"michael your not a mutha ****** muslim how you gonna be muslim you got a white womans pork face"
-Katt Williams

"this nigga's climbin up in trees and shit sayin "dont you climb tree's" NO NIGGA WE GOT SOME BILLS AND SHIT TO PAY TAKE YOUR PETER PAN ASS AND MAKE SOME PEANUT BUTTER OR SOMETHING"
-katt williams
"you cant name no nigga baby blanket"
-katt williams

Katt Williams is hilarious.
9/11/08 7:33:14PM
so chip is drunk and im sittin next to him smokin weed. a car pulls up to us and chip says, "dave. im gonna race him!" i tried to say "NO! dont do it!" but i was high so all that came out was, "well, nigga, sometimes you gotta race i dont know"

chip slams on the gas as soon as the light turns green. we then get pulled over by a cop and im freakin out, he's drunk, im high. he looks at the officer and says, "im sorry officer. i uh... i didnt know i couldnt do that" the officer looks at him and says,"well now you know!"

chip turns to me and says, "whats the matter dave?"
"i didnt know i could do that?"
"yeah that was clever wasnt it? cause i DID know i couldnt do that!!!"

--dave chappelle: killin em softly

the trench coat mafia! can you believe this shit! they talkin about how they aint got any friends, "oh we aint got any friends!" bitch i saw the yearbook, there was six of yall! i aint have six friends in high school. i aint got six friends now! nigga that three on three in a half court!

--chris rock: bigger and blacker

9/11/08 11:02:32PM
I am a foobawl player. I play foobawl Dis is my helmut- dis is my sholdamapads........ dis is my cup... but dont drink out of it....

that one dude

We have desserts in america... we just dont live in them


Damn... where did all my money go??? I dont know dad, im ganna go ride my new bike...

you want a hamburger, Ill make you a hambuger.... Dis not McDonalds......

Eddie Murphy

Noah....... this is the lord....

Dad is great... give us the chochlate cake.....

You told me to not for to drink your drink.... then why did you drink it? I DONT KNOW!!!!
Bill Cosby
9/12/08 1:18:36AM
You know what I do to the dog when your not home? I kick the motha***ka, I kick it then giggle my mothaf***ing ass off

Gus, why is the fire so big? Theres a child over there with 3 rd degree burns. We're cookin hambugers and franks. Not muthaf**ing brontasaurus burgers

Eddie Murphy
9/12/08 8:09:35AM
On a traffic light, green means go, and yellow means hold on. But on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the **** did you get that banana at?

RIP Mitch Hedburg
9/12/08 1:35:34PM
"Did you know that the male seahorse has the babies? Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" Jim Gaffigan
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