Chuck Norris Jokes

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madmarck
2/23/07 9:18:11AM
Here is a good thread to beat to death more Chuck Norris Jokes. Ill add some of my favourites.
Hope noone finds these offensive

Its a proven fact that 97% of women lose their virginity to Chuck Norris. Its also proven that the other 3% are fat and ugly.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris got cold and turned up the sun.

Chuck Norris Sued Law and Order because it stole the names of his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris uses Rattle snakes for Condoms and Jacks off with Sandpaper.

Chuck Norris is half indian. No Blood Relation he jsut ate one.

Chuck Norris doesnt worship God. He is God.

Chuck Norris Can judge a book by its cover.

Jesus didnt walk on water. Chuck Norris allowed him too.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. Just another fist.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."
fartinggrappler
2/23/07 12:07:09PM
when chuck norris goes in the water he dosent get wet, the water gets chuck.
madmarck
2/23/07 12:35:28PM

Posted by fartinggrappler

when chuck norris goes in the water he dosent get wet, the water gets chuck.


ahahaah YES i love that one.
deadcore
2/23/07 12:49:09PM
who is this chuck norris that you refer too?
madmarck
2/23/07 1:03:37PM

Posted by deadcore

who is this chuck norris that you refer too?


The one who is gonna give you a roundhouse kick in a few seconds for not knowing who he is.
3-2-1. Okay you should be KO'd.
Ydoc
2/23/07 1:10:56PM
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.

...wait... someone doesn't know who Chuck Norris is? These pictures will tell you everything you need to know.

Image Attachment(s):
Photo Attachment 1 Photo Attachment 2 Photo Attachment 4 Photo Attachment 5
Trapt1nw0nder
2/23/07 1:37:43PM
Chuck Norris jokes are soo 2005!
madmarck
2/23/07 1:54:07PM

Posted by Trapt1nw0nder

Chuck Norris jokes are soo 2005!


Thats why they are in the Padded Room.
madmarck
2/23/07 2:50:32PM
Ah yes feel free to switch the name Chuck Norris for Mirko Cro Cop in any spot above^^^
Ydoc
2/23/07 2:58:21PM
Feel free to edit extra stuff into your own post before making a new post that is directly under your first post.

See?
madmarck
2/23/07 3:05:17PM

Posted by Ydoc

Feel free to edit extra stuff into your own post before making a new post that is directly under your first post.

See?

I know how to edit dude.
That post was a hour later and i didnt realize.
I believe that i actually hold the post with the most edits. Check out my New Member Help Thread. Which by the way is currently at 28 edits. I Edit is to update is jsut so you know. Feel free to add anything insightful to the thread.
pv3Hpv3p
2/23/07 3:20:47PM
Chuck Noris and lance Armstrong had a contest to see who had the most balls....
pv3Hpv3p
2/23/07 3:21:30PM
Chuck won by 5
Trapt1nw0nder
2/23/07 5:30:45PM

Posted by Ydoc

Feel free to edit extra stuff into your own post before making a new post that is directly under your first post.

See?








hippysmacker
2/23/07 9:17:50PM
Marck that is HI-lair-i-ous. If it would let me give you props again so fast I would. Over the years I've seen a lot of these on Sherdog scattered around randomly. Never seen a bunch in one place. Counting to infinity twice was my favorite
Svartorm
2/23/07 11:41:06PM
Only one woman has ever had sex with Chuck Norris with the lights on. Her name was Terry Chivo. (Thats only going to make sense to Americans)

Jimmy Hoffa isn't missing. Hes just hiding from Chuck Norris at the bottom of the ocean.
hippysmacker
2/24/07 12:32:54AM

Posted by Svartorm

Only one woman has ever had sex with Chuck Norris with the lights on. Her name was Terry Chivo. (Thats only going to make sense to Americans)

Jimmy Hoffa isn't missing. Hes just hiding from Chuck Norris at the bottom of the ocean.



Dude , your going to cook for the Schiavo reference
crimethinc
2/24/07 1:58:41AM
Chuck Norris gives rocks tips on how to be rocks.
When Chuck Norris goes to the bathromm he brings a baseball bat. Just in case he shits out a live wildcat and has to beat it to death.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

If I reposted any of madmarck's I apologize. I was running on recollection and didn't have the patience to cross reference.
madmarck
2/24/07 1:35:00PM
its all good crimethinc i think you only reposted 1.
I heard the Waldo one a while back i truly think its one of the best.
aceprone
2/25/07 5:34:03AM
Diaz vs. Gomi lasted to the second round because Chuck Norris was bored during the first.
hippysmacker
2/25/07 6:02:15AM
Diaz /Hendo/and Sokoudjou didn't win their fight's, Chuck Norris did. On the way to the ring each one was lucky enough to pass by his seat right after he farted. Powered by Chuck's Superhuman flaggel-escence they were driven to victory
madmarck
2/25/07 9:57:43AM

Posted by hippysmacker

Diaz /Hendo/and Sokoudjou didn't win their fight's, Chuck Norris did. On the way to the ring each one was lucky enough to pass by his seat right after he farted. Powered by Chuck's Superhuman flaggel-escence they were driven to victory



I hate that one i lost so much money on that event.
Lay_N_Pray
2/27/07 7:49:15PM
Here is a good one.

Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Cro Cop...Chuck Norris will never be able to walk again.
loller90278
2/28/07 2:56:20AM

Posted by Lay_N_Pray

Here is a good one.

Chuck Norris once tried to roundhouse kick Cro Cop...Chuck Norris will never be able to walk again.



you got a chuckle out of me.. been a long time since i laughed out loud by somethin from the internet. props
aceprone
2/28/07 3:12:41AM
When Henderson won the belt, the celebration music and confedee wasn't for Henderson's win, but was for Chuck Norris' exit from the stadium.
madmarck
2/28/07 8:49:28AM

Posted by aceprone

When Henderson won the belt, the celebration music and confedee wasn't for Henderson's win, but was for Chuck Norris' exit from the stadium.


hahaha that is great. Gotta love Chuck jokes.
poll77
3/3/07 5:01:24PM
"chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he has never cried"


sorry if thats already on here
loller90278
3/3/07 8:00:20PM

Posted by poll77

"chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he has never cried"


sorry if thats already on here




oooh man thats a god one !
madmarck
3/3/07 10:23:26PM

Posted by poll77

"chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he has never cried"


sorry if thats already on here


Oh its not but its a good one.
deadcore
3/4/07 12:50:25AM

Posted by madmarck


Posted by poll77

"chuck norris' tears can cure cancer...too bad he has never cried"


sorry if thats already on here


Oh its not but its a good one.



I love to see more madmarck posts!
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